Finding Value

We ask people all kinds of questions when we are getting to know them.

What do you do for fun? What kind of music do you like? Do you want children? What are you looking for in a relationship? It tells you something, but most of it tells you nothing.

Eventually, someone may even ask, “What are your values?” I’m not sure that question tells us as much as we think it does.

Most people know the right answers. They know they are supposed to say they value honesty, loyalty, family, kindness, communication, and respect. Even people who routinely lie will tell you they value honesty. Even people who abandon others when relationships become inconvenient may describe themselves as loyal.

Not because the person is lying, not always. That does not necessarily mean everyone is intentionally being deceptive. Sometimes people genuinely believe they live according to values that their behavior has never been forced to prove. Most people believe what they say in that moment.

But values aren't a vocabulary test. Anyone can recite the right words. The word is not the value. The word is what someone wants you to believe about them, or sometimes what they genuinely wish were true about themselves.

So maybe the better question is not to ask them, “What are your values?” Maybe the better question is to ask yourself: Have you learned how to hear values?

I spent years in courtrooms and on depositions learning that the story someone tells you on purpose is rarely the most useful one. You listen for what slips out around the edges. The detail nobody prepped them to include. The pause before an answer. What they said only because you asked the wrong question in the right way. Credibility was never really about what a witness claimed. It was about whether the small, unguarded pieces lined up with the big, rehearsed ones.

Relationships work the same way, and almost nobody tells you that early on. So, if you haven’t heard it, or you’re unsure of how to even go about it, let me be the first to enlighten you… People Reveal Their Values Through Their Stories.

You can learn a lot about someone by listening to how they describe their past experiences. If you ask someone what they value, you get their marketing. If you listen to how they talk about their past, you get the truth. Ask about the moment their parents disappointed them and watch what they focus on. Some people talk about the missed games. Some people talk about the missed rent. Some people go straight to forgiveness before you even ask if they forgave. That reveals more than any list of adjectives ever could.

Ask what they kept from someone who died, or moved away, or left. Not what they'd grab in a fire. What they actually kept, sitting somewhere in a drawer or a box they haven't opened in years. Some people describe an object. Some people describe a person. Some people can't remember, and that tells you something too. What a person calls precious, unprompted, in the middle of another story entirely, is closer to their real value system than anything they'd say if you asked them to define it.

Listen for who they credit. When someone explains why they're disciplined, or generous, or careful with money, follow the thread back. Who taught them that. How they talk about that person tells you whether the lesson was given with love or beaten into them out of necessity. Both can produce the same behavior. They DO NOT produce the same person.

Watch how they explain the moments they weren't proud of. Listen when they tell you about the friendship that ended. Listen when they explain why their last relationship failed. Not whether they admit fault, most people will if you catch them at the right angle. Watch whether they explain it as something that happened to them or something they did. The language of a person who takes ownership sounds different from the language of a person who's been rehearsing an excuse since childhood, even if the facts of the story are identical.

Listen for the promise they could not keep. Do not listen only for what happened. Listen for how they understand what happened. Can they acknowledge their own role in a conflict, or is every story about something that was done to them? Can they disagree with another person and still recognize that person’s humanity? Do they take responsibility for the harm they caused, or do they focus only on why they felt justified in causing it? Do they speak with unnecessary cruelty about people they once claimed to love? Do they seem proud of getting revenge? What behavior do they excuse when they are the one doing it? What do they believe another person deserved?

Those answers reveal far more than a polished list of admirable qualities. None of this requires interrogation. It requires patience, and a willingness to let someone talk about something other than themselves in the abstract. Ask about their childhood best friend instead of their goals. Ask about a time they were embarrassed instead of a time they were proud. Ask what their grandmother used to say instead of what they believe in. The direct question invites a performance. The sideways question invites a memory, and memory doesn't lie the way intention does.

A person’s values live inside their interpretation of events. Their stories reveal what they believe is acceptable, what they consider unforgivable, who they think deserves compassion, and when they believe their principles no longer apply. (When the proverbial gloves can come off)

It is easy to call yourself kind when you are happy. The real question is whether your kindness disappears the moment you become angry. It is easy to value loyalty when the relationship is enjoyable and beneficial. It is harder when supporting someone requires patience, effort, or sacrifice. It is easy to promise that you will always communicate. The real test comes when the conversation requires vulnerability, accountability, or the possibility that you may be wrong.

Values are not proven by what we claim under comfortable circumstances. They are revealed by the choices we make when honoring them costs us something.

Most people don't get blindsided by someone's values. They get blindsided because they were listening for the answer instead of the person. This does not mean you should silently observe someone while secretly analyzing every word. Healthy relationships still require direct conversations.

Instead of asking only questions with obvious, socially acceptable answers, ask questions that invite the person to tell you a story. Then listen. Listen for humility, accountability, compassion, consistency, and whether the standards they apply to other people, also apply to themselves. Listen without trying to rewrite what you hear.

Empathy is important, but empathy should not require us to erase information. You can understand why someone developed a behavior and still recognize that the behavior may not be healthy for you. You can have compassion for what someone experienced without volunteering to become the next person affected by what they have refused to address. Listening for values requires us to hear what a person is actually telling us, not only what we hope they mean.

What have you learned about someone, without asking directly, that ended up being the only thing that mattered?

People will often tell you who they believe they are. Their choices will show you what they actually stand on. Are you building your relationship around the person’s choices, or around the version of them their promises keep asking you to believe in?