The Wound He Never Talked About (Follow Up to “Cheaters”)

Last week we talked about the types of cheaters.

But a few of you came back with the same question that I have to everything in life which is, “Okay, but why?” Why are they that way? Like what actually happened to create a person with that little impulse control, that little regard for someone else's feelings, that little ability to just... choose right?

That's the question I researched to dive into because I think it matters. Not so we can excuse the behavior, but so we can stop making it about us, and more importantly, spot and immediately avoid these people.

Again with the Science…

Last time I mentioned that the prefrontal cortex is basically your brain's decision-maker. Your pause button. The part of you that says wait, think about this first before you blow up a relationship, blow up your finances, blow up your life.

And I mentioned that some people's prefrontal cortex is underactive, which is why impulse control is genuinely harder for them.

What I didn't get into was why.

Let’s be clear, no one is born with a broken prefrontal cortex. Trauma causes the prefrontal cortex to become underactive. When the brain is exposed to chronic stress, it releases cortisol, a hormone that prepares the body to fight or run. High levels of cortisol impair the ability to think rationally or logically. And when the body is always operating like it's in danger, cortisol stays elevated constantly, affecting concentration, emotional regulation, and decision-making.

Exposure to uncontrollable stress can actually shrink or negatively impact your prefrontal cortex.  Stress literally damages your brain! That’s neither here nor there, just worth reiterating.

Yes, psychiatric and neurological disorders affect the prefrontal cortex, there are even triggers that can compromise it after you’re born, but I’m not talking about that. If you’ve read any of my blogs you already know where I’m going…

If your brain wasn’t born like that, then the answer is that it got shaped. By an environment. By what happened, or didn't happen, in childhood. Adults with a history of childhood trauma display increased activity in the amygdala, the brain's fear center, and decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for impulse control and decision-making.

So the brain that's impulsive. The brain that cheats without thinking about the consequences. The brain that feels something and immediately acts on it without weighing what it costs somebody else. That brain, in a lot of cases, was built in a childhood that never felt safe.

Now Let's Talk About the Familiar Wound

This is not science, simply my observation, experiences, and the observations and experiences of friends and those around me that shared…I apologize in advance to whom this truth my offend.

Some of the most emotionally unavailable men, the ones who love you and leave, who cheat without remorse, who treat you beautifully at first and then seem to punish you for no reason, all have something in common.

They didn't grow up with their mother. Or their mother was there physically and absent in every way or many other ways.

And I don't say that to place blame on women or mothers, because a lot of those mothers were fighting their own battles, their own trauma, their own survival. I say it because the science actually supports what a lot of women feel or notice, but couldn't articulate or identify the pattern.

The remaining ideologies that you read in this section is not my opinion, it is from an article from counseling professionals. However, once you read it, I don’t think you’ll disagree or question it.

From infancy, every child needs the tender touch, attention, comfort, nurture, and love of a mother. If the infant's mother is largely emotionally absent, the child does not learn to internalize a healthy representation of attachment. And later in life, that plays out in relationships with other people.

The consequences in adult relationships for men can be emotional detachment, emotional dependency, or a repetitive pattern that alternates between the two. Women get pursued as an idealized mother figure who can save from all the pain of being isolated and alone. Or they get avoided and devalued the moment they prove to be imperfect, because in his subconscious, that's what women do, they leave.

Read that again. He's not cheating on you. He's reenacting a wound that had nothing to do with you before you ever met him. A wound that you can never heal.

The Men Who Treat Their Mothers Like Queens and Women Like Options

This one is specific, but some of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

There's a type of man who will speak of his mother with reverence. Put her on a pedestal. Call her a queen. And then turn around and treat the woman he's in a relationship with like the queen’s jester or peasant. Like she's temporary. Like she doesn't quite deserve the full version of him.

That's not a contradiction. That's a symptom.

The way we are spoken to as children by the most important adults in our lives becomes how we speak to ourselves and how we perceive threats versus trust from new people. There is a pattern consistent with men who had a difficult, strained, or absent relationship with their mother: lying becomes a tool to protect yourself, to hide emotions, to survive in any situation.

He worships his mother because he never got what he needed from her, and he's still reaching. But you, the woman he's actually with, you're the one he gets to be real with. And real, for him, looks like pushing away, testing, disappearing, cheating, staying halfway in.

Mommy issues can show up in men anywhere from teenage years well into adulthood and can alter the course of how they pursue their lives and their relationships. The issue is that most of them don't know that's what this is. They think they're fine. They think you're the problem.

And Then There Are Men Who Grew Up Without Their Fathers

I don't want to leave this out because it's equally real.

Approximately one in four children across the U.S. are raised in households without a father. The father wound can also be based on intergenerational trauma, consistent and persistent years of traumatic challenges within families across generations. Mother and father wounds are often passed down from one generation to the next if not treated, and the cycle is not stopped.

A man who didn't have a father didn't have a model for how to be a man in a relationship. He didn't see what it looks like to stay. To choose someone consistently. To work through conflict without leaving. To love without conditions. Nobody showed him. And nobody told him that was a gap, because we don't talk about this. We just send him out into the world and then wonder why he keeps failing at intimacy.

Father wounds are almost universal for certain men due to absent or unavailable father figures. These male children often have no appropriate male role models to help them develop responsible and loving adult behavior. Many fathers who were absent were also carrying unhealed wounds themselves, and the cycle continues.

It's generational. It's not an excuse. But it is an explanation. Obviously, not an explanation that fits everyone.  I myself have a father who is a very devoted and loving father and husband to my mom, but he did not grow up with his father.  He revered the women in his life, and took what they gave him to be the father that he is, without the male role model.  This is not the case for A LOT of men.

So What Does This Mean for You?

Here's what I want you to walk away with.

When a man cannot love you well, it is almost never actually about you. It is about what he learned or didn't learn about love before you ever existed in his world. Childhood is not just a phase of life. How our needs were met or not met in childhood affects how we relate to ourselves and others in relationships, friendships, parenting, and developing self-esteem. It is the foundation on which every relationship he will ever have was built.

And here's the part that might sting a little: you cannot love someone out of a wound they don't know they have. You can be patient. You can be understanding. You can be the most emotionally available, consistent, loving partner that has ever existed in his life. And if he has not done the work to recognize and address what happened to him, your love will pour right through him like water through a cracked cup.

That is not a reflection of your worth. That is the nature of unhealed wounds.

If you are a man reading this, and I hope some of you are, this is not an indictment. This is an invitation. The fact that your childhood shaped your brain and your attachment patterns is not your fault. But staying unaware of it, and continuing to let the women in your life absorb consequences from wounds they didn't cause, that part is yours to carry. I hope it’s heavy.

The work is hard, but therapy is real (therapy, not your friends or a revered family member).  Healing is possible.

Please do the work that no one did for you, for your current/future partner and your current/future child(ren), but more importantly for you.

He Didn't Cheat Because of You. He Cheated Because of Him.

The first thing we do when we find out we've been cheated on is turn the mirror on ourselves.

What did I do wrong? What did she have that I didn't? Was I not enough? Was I too much? Did I nag too much, give too little, love too hard, not hard enough?

We do this exhausting, soul-draining autopsy on ourselves while the person who actually made a choice, a deliberate, conscious, in-the-moment choice, walks around relatively unbothered. And we let them, because we're too busy interrogating ourselves to interrogate the situation.

I want to offer you a different framework today. Not an emotional one. A logical one.

Because if you've ever been cheated on, especially more than once, by the same person or different people, I think the most useful thing you can do isn't ask what's wrong with you. It's ask: what type of cheater was that and how do I avoid them?

Bear with me here.

There Is Actually a Science to This

Researchers have spent real time and real money studying why people cheat, and what they found might rearrange some things in your mind.

Studies consistently show that individuals who are low in conscientiousness are more likely to cheat. Conscientiousness. That's the personality trait associated with discipline, follow-through, reliability, doing what you said you were going to do. People who lack conscientiousness tend to be sloppy, careless, poorly organized, and often break rules. They suffer from demonstrably poor impulse control.

Read that again. Poor impulse control. Not poor taste in partners. Not a bad relationship. A character pattern that shows up across multiple areas of their life , at work, with money, with commitments of all kinds , and yes, in relationships too.

A 2005 study by researchers Tricia Orzeck and Esther Lung found a significant difference between cheaters and non-cheaters when it comes to personality. Poor self-control, selfishness, anger, boredom, and attention-seeking were the most common traits tied to infidelity.

Notice anything missing from that list? You. Your weight. Your communication style. Whether or not you were giving enough. None of that is on the list.

If you want more science, New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel wrote a book called “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” to understand why people cheat.

So What Type of Cheater Were They?

Because they're not all the same, and knowing the type actually tells you something important about the person you were dealing with.

The Opportunist is probably the most common and the most misunderstood. The opportunist rarely seeks out a partner outside of their relationship. They cheat when an opportunity presents itself and they feel they can get away with it. They often report being perfectly happy in their relationship , but if they're presented with the right opportunity and are sure it will remain a secret, they'll take it.

This one is brutal because it has nothing to do with you at all. They weren't unhappy. They weren't neglected. They just had the opportunity, the willingness to act on it, and the belief they wouldn't get caught. That's a discipline problem. A character problem. Not a you problem.

The Serial Cheater is a different animal entirely. Serial infidelity is compulsive, with the individual repeatedly seeking out new partners. There is often a lack of emotional attachment or concern for consequences. Serial cheating is often associated with narcissism. The individual views themselves as entitled to cheat, with little regard for how their actions impact others.

Serial cheaters are collectors. They collect partners the way other people collect artworks or coins. And love stories like this are hard to change, despite promises, New Year's resolutions, and even a string of painful failed relationships. If you've been with someone like this, I’m just confirming what you already know. You could have been perfect. It still would have happened.

The Revenge Cheater acts out of anger or perceived injustice. They cheat to hurt you back, to feel power, to send a message. This one at least has an emotional root , but make no mistake, it still says more about their conflict resolution skills than it does about whatever you did or didn't do. Besides, there are plenty of ways to show frustration, send a message, etc. cheating as the chosen option really only says something about that person, not you.

The Emotional Cheater never physically crosses a line but gives someone else everything that was supposed to be yours , their thoughts, their problems, their inside jokes, their 2am conversations. And yes, that counts. The betrayal of emotional intimacy is so real that researchers recognize it as its own category of infidelity.

The Brain Actually Has Something to Say About This

The self-control circuit in the brain balances different parts of your brain. The deep limbic system pushes you to seek pleasure. The prefrontal cortex helps you think twice before risky actions. When that self-control circuit is balanced, it gives you adequate impulse control to stop you from having an affair. But when the prefrontal cortex is low in activity, it creates an imbalance that causes a person to give in to impulsive desires without thinking about the consequences.

Some people are neurologically wired for poor impulse control. Now, that doesn't excuse the behavior. But it does explain why some people cheat almost reflexively, with no deep reason and no real remorse. Their brakes don't work the way yours do.

And then there are those with what researchers call the Dark Triad , narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Women with pronounced dark personality traits, including narcissism and psychopathy, are more likely to be unfaithful. These are not people who simply made a mistake under pressure. These are people for whom the rules genuinely feel optional.

Why Does This Even Matter?

Because when you understand the type of person you were dealing with, you can use it to stop trying to reverse-engineer what you should have done differently.

You can't out-love a serial cheater into fidelity. You can't be interesting enough for an opportunist to pass up every opportunity. You can't be worth more than someone's compulsion. And you absolutely cannot fix a character deficit by being a better partner.

Some people fear long-term committed relationships and the responsibilities they entail. The prospect of settling down with one person for life can trigger anxiety and restlessness, making fidelity nearly impossible for them.

The scary part that we all hate is that they will find you, love you genuinely in their way, and still not be capable of what you're asking.

That is not your failure to fix.

One More Thing

If you've been the cheater , and some of you have, no judgment here , I'd ask you to sit with this too. Which type were you? Was it situational? Were you running from something? Or is there a pattern you keep repeating that has nothing to do with the people you've been with and everything to do with something unresolved inside of you?

Many chronic cheaters, in studies, said they transgressed due to anger, lack of love, low commitment, low self-esteem, and situational factors. Sex was cited, but it wasn't the overarching reason. This is why so many of you who have been cheated on seem so confused by who they cheated with, what that person can or cannot provide versus what you can provide.  When it looks silly like that and you say things like “there’s no comparison, I don’t understand why he/she would cheat with him/her,” please know that your confusion is valid because you’re trying to make sense of a person who may not have been making decisions based on logic, value, compatibility, or even replacement. Sometimes the choice had more to do with escape than connection, validation than intimacy, avoidance than honesty, or novelty than commitment.

So if the issue wasn't really about sex, what was it actually about?

That's a question worth sitting in. Because sometimes cheating is less about finding someone better and more about revealing something unresolved. It may expose emotional immaturity, resentment left unspoken, a need for external validation, fear of vulnerability, poor boundaries, impulsivity, entitlement, or simply someone who wanted the benefits of commitment without the responsibility of it.

That does not make the betrayal hurt less.

But it may change the question.

The goal here isn't to villainize anyone. People are complicated. But pain makes us simple in the worst way, it makes us turn inward and make everything our fault, especially when it wasn't.

You deserved someone with enough discipline to choose you, consistently, even when something else was available. That's not a high bar. That's the floor.

And if someone couldn't meet it, the question was never what was wrong with you.

It was always what was going on with them, and that question creates clarity. 

I know that clarity does not always remove pain, but it can stop you from carrying responsibility for choices that were never yours to own.

Have you ever thought about what type of cheater you were dealing with? Bring your thoughts to the Live discussion at 7:30CST on Mondays.

"Masculine" and "Feminine" Energy

There is a conversation happening right now in every podcast, every reel, every comment section, and every women's brunch table across this country. And it goes something like this: You need to stop operating in your masculine energy. You need to be softer. You need to receive. You need to let him lead.

And I just have one question…Lead where, exactly?

I have been watching women get told to surrender while the dishes sit in the sink, the pediatrician's appointment goes unscheduled, and the permission slip for the school field trip expires on the counter.

I have been watching women get told to be softer while they are also working full-time jobs, managing the household mental load, and somehow still expected to look unbothered doing all of it.

On top of all of that, when she finally just does the thing herself because it has to get done, someone stands up and says, "Well, she always does everything on her own, so I figured she didn't need me."

I want to be fair here. I genuinely do. But I need somebody to explain to me how "she always handles it" became a reason to stop helping, rather than a signal that she is carrying more than she should. Because from where I am standing, what that sentence really means is: I noticed she was struggling, decided she had it covered, and used her competence as my permission slip to opt out.

That is not a partnership. That is a spectator sport.

Where Did "Masculine" and "Feminine" Energy Even Come From?

If you’ve ever read anything else I’ve written, you know that I have to explore the historical context that I feel gets left out.  So let's back up, because I think we owe ourselves a real answer here rather than just recycling whatever we heard on a podcast.

The language of masculine and feminine energy is not a clinical psychology term. You will not find it in the DSM. Carl Jung talked about the anima and animus, meaning the feminine qualities within men and the masculine qualities within women. Ancient Taoism talked about yin and yang, not as gendered traits assigned to specific people, but as complementary forces that need each other to exist.

I feel like somewhere along the way, that got filtered through the modern self-help industry and became: “Women, stop being so strong. Men, she's emasculating you.” And somehow the burden of that translation landed entirely on her.

Let’s Get Scientific

What is also true, that is skipped over entirely, is the actual science. There is actual science raising real questions about whether the hormonal lines we have drawn between men and women are even as fixed as we assumed. Research has documented for years that endocrine-disrupting chemicals, including things like BPA found in plastics, pesticides, and other environmental toxins, are affecting hormone development. Some of this exposure happens before birth. We are talking about in utero.

Studies have shown that testosterone levels in men have been declining across generations. Phthalates, which are in everything from food packaging to personal care products, have been linked to reduced testosterone and disrupted reproductive development in males.

So when we say a man needs to operate in his "masculine energy," it is worth asking whether the systems we live inside of are quietly working against that biology in ways none of us asked for or signed up for.

I am not saying that to excuse anything. I am saying it because we deserve to have the full conversation instead of just blaming women for not being feminine enough while ignoring everything else in the room.

The Real Issue Is Not Energy. It's Equity.

This is not 1952. In most households right now, both people are working. Both people are paying bills. Both people are tired at the end of the day. And yet, study after study shows that women still carry a disproportionate share of what researchers call "unpaid domestic labor" and the "mental load."

That includes not just the doing of tasks, but the knowing of tasks. Knowing when the dentist appointment is. Knowing that the kid needs new shoes because the old ones are too tight. Knowing that the permission slip exists. Knowing that the permission slip expired.

The knowing is labor. And it is mostly invisible, which means it mostly goes uncompensated and unacknowledged. So when someone tells a woman to lean into her feminine energy and stop doing so much, what they are functionally asking her to do is wait. Wait for him to notice. Wait for him to step up. Wait while the appointment does not get made, while the bill does not get paid on time, while the thing that needed to happen just quietly does not happen.

AND she is supposed to wait gracefully.

Women are not choosing to carry everything because they love control. They are doing it because somebody has to, and the alternative is watching things fall apart while they practice being soft.

Forgive me if this reads like a biased rant, I am a woman after all, but if this is not the case, then feel free to enlighten us all on the solution rather than simply waiting.

"She Always Does It Herself" Is Not an Explanation. It's a Confession.

When I hear mean complaining that “she always does things herself” instead of asking for help or working together or whatever the excuse may bring, I think what they reveal is something a lot of people feel.

There is a dynamic that develops in relationships where one person keeps stepping up and the other person keeps stepping back, and over time both of them settle into it like it's just the way things are. She does things. He doesn't. She does more things. He does even less. She gets frustrated. He gets defensive. She does everything. He says she never let him help.

And somehow the story becomes about her, but I genuinely need an answer for this:

At what point did you need an invitation to do a load of laundry? At what point did you need to be asked to schedule an oil change, make a doctor's appointment, or figure out where your own children's school clothes are kept? Since when does participating in your own household require a formal request? AND WHY?!

The thing about not needing an invitation is, you do not need one. If something in your home needs doing and you are physically capable of doing it, you can just do it. The door is open. It has always been open.

The invitation is not the obstacle. The willingness is.

Okay. So What Do We Actually Do?

I told myself I was going to get to a solution, because I am not here just to make noise. I want us to actually move.

And I want to be honest about this part too, because some of what I am about to say is not what women want to hear, even when it is true.

Name the specific thing. Not "I need more help." That is too abstract and it will go nowhere. "I need you to handle the kids' doctor appointments from scheduling to transportation, starting this week." Specific. Assigned. Clear. Yes, it is frustrating that we have to do this. Do it anyway. Because vague requests produce vague responses, and then everyone is frustrated and nothing changed.

Stop rescuing the outcome. This is hard. If you assign something and it does not get done the way you would do it, resist the urge to swoop in and redo it. When you redo it, you send the message that your standard is the standard and his effort does not count. Sometimes things will be done differently. Sometimes they will be done worse. Let it be, unless it is a genuine safety issue.

Have the financial conversation. A lot of domestic imbalance is tied directly to who earns more. If he earns significantly more and you are still carrying the household management, that math needs to be spoken out loud. You are contributing economically in ways that do not show up in a paycheck, and that deserves acknowledgment, negotiation, and sometimes, compensation in the form of household help, shared tasks, or real time off.

Document the mental load together. I know that sounds clinical, but I mean it. Sit down and write out every recurring task in your household, every appointment, every subscription, every maintenance item, every kid-related thing. Put names next to them. Actually divide them. When it is on paper and it has a name on it, "I didn't know" becomes a much harder thing to say.

Consider whether this is a communication problem or a character problem. A man who genuinely does not know how to participate but wants to is different from a man who knows exactly what needs to happen and simply chooses not to. One of those can be coached. The other one is showing you who he is, and you have to decide what to do with that information.

The Honest Truth at the End

Women are not walking around choosing stress. We are not picking the hard version because it makes us feel powerful. We are handling things because we love the people in our lives, because we do not want things to fall apart, and because stepping back often costs more than just doing it.

But it is costing us something too. It is costing us time, health, peace, and often, the version of ourselves we actually wanted to be.

The conversation about masculine and feminine energy is not inherently wrong. There is something real in the idea that most of us, regardless of gender, benefit from being able to rest sometimes. To receive. To not always be the one solving the problem.

But that requires a partner who shows up enough for that rest to actually be possible.

You cannot tell someone to float and then remove the water.

If the men in your life want women who are softer, more receptive, less "in their masculine," the path there is not a lecture about feminine energy. The path there is partnership. Real, equitable, consistent partnership.

Do your part without being asked.

Not because she invited you.

Because you live there too.

Have thoughts on this? Drop them in “Contact Us.” I genuinely want to hear from both sides.

Is Marriage Necessary?

I recently watched a debate unfold and both sides made valid points based on what they each valued, but I couldn’t help but draw a conclusion about “Love and Marriage,” that peaked my curiosity. Here’s my conclusion:  I think most couples don’t argue about love; They argue about what love means in real life.

We all know long-term relationships that seem to work and both parties are happy. But, what happens when, after years together, those same two people realize they want two different things?

One person says, “Marriage matters to me” and the other says, “We already have everything that matters.” Now, love isn’t the question anymore, instead, the definition of love is.

So, where the heck do they go from there?!

Two People, Two Meanings

For one person, marriage is not just a ceremony. It’s being chosen publicly, legally, and intentionally. It’s the difference between “we’re together” and “this is my family.”

For the other, love feels complete without paperwork. Commitment is already there. Loyalty is already there. The relationship is already functioning, so from their perspective, what exactly is marriage adding?

Now one person is speaking emotionally, and the other is speaking practically.

And if you’re wondering, I don’t actually believe that either person is wrong (maybe wrong for each other if they can’t get on common ground), but they are not talking about the same thing. 

We’ll get to that, just follow me for a moment.

To Understand the Present, You Have to Look Back 

History is often the key we need to plug in so we can recognize patterns and better understand the present.  In the past, marriage meant something different depending on the lens you’re looking at it with.

For example, marriage between enslaved people was not legally recognized. Families could be separated at any moment. Partners could be sold. Children could be taken. And yet, enslaved people still “married” anyway. Maybe because it was one of the few things the system could not fully take from them.

In that context, marriage became an act or resistance, declaration of dignity, a way to create family in a system designed to destroy it and a spiritual covenant that didn’t require legal or global recognition.

Later, after slavery, legal marriage became something to claim. Not something to question.

It meant finally being recognized. Protected. Counted.

What Marriage Used to Be (And Why It Happened Faster)

If you look at traditional Western structures, marriage also served a different purpose.

Think Bridgerton (if you’ve seen it)…Marriage didn’t used to be this long, drawn-out question. Not because people loved harder, but because the system required it.

Historically, marriage was economic survival, property and inheritance structure, social legitimacy, sometimes protection, especially for women and children.

Women had very limited options for working & supporting themselves. Even if they wanted to leave & were accepting of the social consequence, surviving after a divorce meant becoming a second-class citizen.

Divorce was highly frowned upon and could alienate you from society. In 1969, California became the first U.S. state to permit no-fault divorce.

At this point, I think the answer to “What Changed” is obvious.  Today, people can live together, share finances, raise children, build a life all without getting married. Of course, now marriage feels optional.

Just because something feels optional emotionally doesn’t mean it’s optional structurally.

What Marriage Actually Is

Marriage is three things happening at once:

1. Emotional meaning - A declaration. A choice. A sense of being “fully chosen.”

2. Social recognition - Family, community, and culture now treat the relationship differently.

3. Legal structure – The most underestimated.

Marriage is a contract. It creates rights, protections, and obligations without you having to negotiate each one individually.

What Marriage Is…For Women

Unfortunately, women often carry the weight of this conversation differently. Not just emotionally, but socially and structurally.

You’ve heard the sayings: “Why buy the milk when you’re getting the cow for free?” or how about the strong assumption that, “If he wanted to, he would,” or my favorite ridiculous and nosey question, “You’ve been with him this long and still not married?”

One partner may see marriage as unnecessary, the other, often the woman, is navigating the social judgment, questions and assumptions about her value, assumptions about her standards (usually that they are low), and pressure about time, fertility, and long-term security.

The reality is that women are more likely to pause or sacrifice career growth in long-term relationships, take on more unpaid labor, and become primary caregivers.  So when marriage is brought up, it is not always about a title. Sometimes it is about protection for what is already being invested.

So… Who’s Right?

What looks like a disagreement about marriage is really a disagreement about meaning, intention, and trust. The person who says “we don’t need marriage” is not wrong.

You can absolutely have deep love, loyalty, commitment, and a shared life without ever getting married.

The person who says “marriage matters” is not wrong either because they are not just asking for love; They are asking for security, recognition, permanence, alignment between words and structure.

Sometimes, they are asking a deeper question: “If we already have everything… why not take the step that reflects that?”

For those of you with the argument that “Publicly, means you just want a show”

When someone says:

• “You just want a title”

• “You want validation from other people”

• “It doesn’t mean security, people get divorced all the time”

They’re not just disagreeing. They’re redefining your desire in a way that minimizes it, to now its “an illusion.” 

We are all aware that divorce is available and marriage doesn’t “guarantee” anything because people still leave.  However, what you’re missing is that marriage may not guarantee behavior, but it creates consequences, structure, and further accountability.

Marriage is not about a guarantee, it’s about entering into something designed to last and the intention it requires to exit.  For the most part, it changes how people approach conflict, sacrifice, and commitment.

Wanting others to know or see you as married isn’t just about recognition or “external validation from others,” it’s how the world and society treats your relationship.  Whether you think it should be that way or not is irrelevant, the fact is, the world and society does in fact treat your relationship differently.  Specifically, in hospitals, courts, finances, emergencies, etc. 

I’m sure there are plenty of people who can verify the unfortunate experience, that without marriage, you can be everything to someone, but legally treated like you’re nothing. 

The real issue here is that recognition is not just about attention, it’s about being acknowledged for who you are in a persons life when it counts.

The Real Issue Isn’t Marriage

It’s alignment. What they may actually be saying is, “It doesn’t hold meaning for me the way it does for you.” Instead of saying that directly, one person reduces the meaning of the other person. Then, it starts to feel dismissive, not just different.

Marriage becomes a problem when one person sees it as essential, and the other sees it as unnecessary. Over time, it starts to feel like one person is asking for “too much,” and the other is withholding something “small.”

Yet, neither of those interpretations are actually accurate.

The Question That Actually Needs to Be Answered

Not “Should we get married?” But…“What does this relationship need to feel complete for both of us?”

Because if the answer is different, you’re not arguing about a wedding. You’re negotiating the foundation of your future.

Legal Reality Check (No Matter What You Choose)

I would be remiss as a lawyer if I didn’t call out this very real issue.  Whether you choose marriage or not, this is where people get caught off guard. You don’t really understand the difference between marriage and “just being together”…Until something goes wrong, or something goes right, but requires proof.

If You Are Married

You automatically have rights like:

• Inheritance (even without a will, in many cases)

• Medical decision-making authority

• Access to benefits (insurance, retirement, Social Security)

• Property division protections if things end

Marriage fills in legal gaps without you having to think about them.

If You Are Not Married

If you choose a committed relationship without marriage, you should seriously consider putting structure in place like the following:

1. Cohabitation Agreement
Who owns what? What happens if you break up?

2. Will or Trust
Without this, your partner may receive nothing.

3. Power of Attorney (Financial & Medical)
Otherwise, your partner may not be able to make decisions for you.

4. Beneficiary Designations
Retirement accounts, life insurance, etc. these override everything.

5. Property Titling
How assets are owned matters more than how long you’ve been together.

The Bottom Line…Who’s Right?

Neither and both.  One person is saying “Love is enough for me,” and the other is saying “Love should be expressed in a specific way that creates security, alignment, and recognition.” Those are not the same definition of love.

Love is personal. Commitment is emotional. And protection is structural.

And a lot of people don’t realize the difference until they’re standing in a moment where it matters like no one in the doctor’s office is listening to you or even allows you to be in the room, or you’re not allowed to make funeral arrangements. The question is not who’s right, it’s whether the two definitions can coexist without resentment.

Love answers how you feel. Marriage answers how you are protected. And those are not the same questions, no matter how much people try to make them one.

No matter which side you agree with, it does beg the question: If it truly means nothing… why is it such a firm no?

Surely something that has no value shouldn’t create that much resistance.

Praying for a Life You’re Not Ready For

There’s a tension I’ve grown to live in and I’m just now recognizing it.  After seeing it, I can’t unsee it and frankly, I’m tired of being here.  Maybe you know where I am and can see yourself here as well.

Are you asking for more? More money, more peace, more love, more freedom?

If you’re honest, your current life is probably showing you where the gaps are.

You can’t just pray for a different life and skip the preparation required to hold it.

The Part We Like: The Vision

We love the idea of “next level.”

The better job.
The thriving business.
The healthy relationship.
The financial overflow.
The version that feels calm, secure, and in control.

It feels good to imagine it.
It feels aligned to speak it.
It even feels productive to pray about it.

I’m learning that vision without capacity creates frustration. Eventually, the same pattern keeps emerging in the form of the question, “If you received what you’re praying for right now, could you sustain it?”

The Part We Dislike: The Readiness

This is the part that I’m unsuccessfully avoiding.  Being ready doesn’t look glamorous.

It looks like discipline when no one is watching.
It looks like uncomfortable honesty with yourself.
It looks like fixing patterns that keep repeating.
It looks like learning things you’ve been avoiding.

It looks like preparation that feels slow, invisible, and sometimes unfair.

While it may look like I’ve progressed in some ways, in many areas, this is where I get stuck. 

The Requirement

I’m not just asking for a better life, I’m asking for relief from the current one, and those are not the same things. I now realize there’s something I have to do on my part.

More money requires better decisions.
More freedom requires more structure.
More visibility requires thicker skin.
More responsibility requires stronger boundaries.

Any and everything I ask for comes with weight, weight that until now, I haven’t wanted to sit with nor take responsibility for.  If you’re not ready for the weight, you’ll lose what you received, or shrink under the pressure of having what you asked for.

You can be smart, talented, and full of vision…and still be overlooked, underpaid, or overwhelmed
because your structure doesn’t support your ambition. This is why someone can stay stuck in a cycle they can’t explain.

It’s not a lack of desire, it’s a lack of alignment between what you want and what you’ve built.

The Shift

So how am I ending the cycle? What are the changes that I’m making to not only see the weight, but to also be prepared to handle it?

Instead of asking Why I don’t have it yet, I’m turning it around to say “What would my life require of me, if I did have it?”  “What would I honestly do with it if I had it?”

I either need to answer that question and be ready or start to build the version of me that is the answer. It may be a slow build, it may not be perfect, but it will be intentional.

If you’ve gotten this far, maybe you understand where I’m coming from, so here’s my message to you: If you want financial peace or financial increase, manage what you already have (and don’t say I’m already managing it), manage what you have differently.

If you want a healthy relationship, show up with clarity and boundaries.

If you want freedom, start creating structure instead of avoiding it.

I don’t care who you pray to, how much you pray, or what you pray for…the life you want will not simply be given to you, and before it can, it has to be sustained. It may not come immediately, but delay isn’t denial, sometimes it’s protection, not lack of favor, not being overlooked.

I can remember a time when I received protection from something I thought I wanted.  It wasn’t until later that I realized I wasn’t ready and that I was still supposed to be learning something in my current stage. Once I took that perspective, I grew an appreciation, it started to feel like less of a setback and more like preparation.

The Message

We’re not wrong for wanting more.  We just need awareness that wanting more comes with becoming more.  Not in a performative way, not in a “fix everything overnight” way, but in a grounded honest way that requires you to check yourself and make sure you’re building capacity to keep what you’re asking for.

The Signals We Miss: Why Smart Women Still End Up in the Wrong Relationships

There is a conversation we often have about dating that focuses on age, experience, or intelligence.

People assume that by a certain point in life, women should know better. That we should know the signs, see the red flags, automatically know to avoid the wrong people.

But I’ve seen enough, even within my own circles, to know that assumption misses something important. Many, not all, women are not making poor choices because they are naïve, and certainly not because they wanted the outcome.

They are making them because their nervous system learned something about relationships long before they had the tools to understand it.

For women who experienced trauma earlier in life, especially sexual trauma, certain relationship patterns can feel familiar, normal, or even exciting when they are actually warning signs.

And if that trauma was never fully processed, those signals can be easy to miss, even decades later.

For me, it all felt obvious to me. I couldn’t understand why it wasn’t as clear to others until time, education, and experience gave me a deeper understanding. With that came empathy.  This is not about blame. It’s about awareness. Awareness for all women , and especially for those who may not yet see the pattern but truly want to break it.

Below are some of the most common signals that often go unnoticed. Whether this resonates personally or simply broadens your perspective, I hope you read this with love, empathy, and compassion for yourself and for others.

1. Intensity That Feels Like Connection

One of the most overlooked warning signs is immediate emotional intensity.

This can look like:

• Strong feelings expressed very early

• Constant texting and communication right away

• Big compliments and declarations about how special you are

• Talking about the future within days or weeks

To someone who has long wanted to feel chosen or valued, this level of attention can feel powerful. It can feel like chemistry, but healthy relationships rarely start with emotional fireworks.

They usually start with curiosity, patience, and gradual trust. Intensity is not the same thing as connection. 

2. Boundaries That Get “Playfully” Ignored

Another subtle signal appears when someone tests boundaries but disguises it with charm.

Examples include:

• Persuading after you’ve already said no

• Turning conversations sexual early and seeing how you respond

• Suggesting late-night meetups instead of normal dates

• Laughing off a boundary instead of respecting it

When someone has experienced trauma, they may have learned early in life that discomfort should be tolerated in order to maintain connection. Small boundary violations can feel insignificant, but those moments matter.

A healthy partner doesn’t negotiate your boundaries, they respect them.

Even the constant texting and calling gave me pause. When my friends would get excited about a partner reaching out all day, even during work hours, it raised concern for me. What looked like strong interest often felt more like a lack of boundaries, framed as “they really want to talk to me.” 

The same was true for conversations that quickly became physical or overly focused on appearance rather than complimenting all the wonderful things that made my friends who they were. While it made them feel confident and desired, it made me question whether the interest was truly about who they were beyond appearance.

3. Hot and Cold Behavior

Some relationships feel like emotional rollercoasters.

One day the person is attentive and affectionate. The next day they are distant or unavailable. Then suddenly, they return with intense attention again.

This pattern can create a powerful emotional pull. The unpredictability can feel exciting, even addictive. But in reality, it often signals emotional instability or manipulation.

Healthy relationships feel different. They feel steady and to someone with trauma they may even feel boring.

Consistency may not create the same adrenaline rush, but it builds something much more valuable: trust and reliability.

4. Stories That Don’t Quite Add Up

Sometimes the signals are subtle and sometimes they’re just no. You may hear small inconsistencies about someone’s life:

• Vague answers about work or past relationships

• Stories that change slightly over time

• Questions that are deflected with humor or charm

When we want a relationship to work, it can be tempting to ignore those moments. But clarity is not something a healthy person avoids, especially when your questions seem to make them uncomfortable, and that discomfort begins to affect you.

Push past that discomfort. Ask what you need to know. Because you’re not just hearing their story, you’re learning about their trustworthiness, their clarity, and their character. You’re learning who they are.

When someone is genuine, their story usually stays the same no matter how many times you hear it.

5. Conversations That Always Return to Sex

Attraction is a natural part of dating, but when physical topics dominate the early stages of getting to know someone, that often reveals priorities.

You might notice:

• Compliments focused almost entirely on appearance

• Conversations that frequently turn sexual

• Attempts to escalate physical intimacy very quickly

That doesn’t necessarily mean the person is bad, but it does mean their focus may be different from someone who is looking for a meaningful relationship.

A partner who values you will also show interest in:

• your thoughts

• your goals

• your experiences

• your perspective on life

I would also include the quick push to visit each other’s homes instead of going on thoughtful, public dates. Being in public naturally creates space for conversation with less pressure and fewer distractions.

No matter how strong the emotional connection may feel, dating still involves getting to know someone who is, at the end of the day, a stranger. It has always concerned me how easily this is overlooked, especially when the invitation is framed as something thoughtful, like “I’ll cook for you.”

Invitations like “I’ll cook for you” can sound thoughtful, but they often create a level of access that hasn’t been earned.

In reality, there should be no urgency to exchange personal addresses or create that level of access so early on.

6. How Someone Describes Their Past Relationships

A surprisingly powerful signal comes from how someone talks about their ex-partners.

Pay attention if you hear:

• “All my exes are crazy.”

• Extreme blame with no personal accountability

• Ongoing anger about past relationships

Healthy adults usually have a more balanced understanding of their relationship history. They recognize that relationships are rarely one-sided stories.

Accountability is a strong indicator of emotional maturity.

The Most Revealing Moment

If there is one moment that reveals the most about someone’s character, it is this:

The first time you set a boundary.

Watch how they respond.

Healthy partners respond with:

• respect

• patience

• understanding

Unhealthy partners often respond with:

• pressure

• guilt

• irritation

• attempts to persuade you to change your mind

That response tells you far more about someone than their compliments ever will.

Why These Signals Matter

One of the most confusing parts of dating is the feeling people call chemistry. But what many people don’t realize is that chemistry is not always a signal of compatibility. Sometimes, it’s a signal of familiarity.

For many women who experienced early trauma, attraction can sometimes feel strongest toward people who mirror familiar emotional patterns. It feels immediate, strong, almost automatic.

Unfortunately, familiarity does not always mean safe, it’s just familiar and therefore comforting which is why it’s confused for being safe. The nervous system recognizes what it has experienced before.

So when someone new shows up and creates a similar emotional experience, the body recognizes it, and that recognition can feel like attraction. It’s not necessarily attraction to something healthy.

Slowing down in relationships is not about playing games or following arbitrary rules. It’s about giving yourself enough time to see who someone actually is.

That’s why calm, consistent, emotionally available people can sometimes feel “boring” at first. Not because they lack depth, but because they don’t trigger the same internal response. Understanding this shifts everything because it will allow you to pause and ask: Does this feel good because it’s right, or because it’s familiar?

Because the greatest risk in dating is not discovering that someone isn’t sexually compatible. The real risk is becoming emotionally attached to someone whose character was never right for you in the first place.

And learning to recognize these signals is one of the most powerful ways to protect your peace.

“Just Pray About It” But What If You Already Did?

There’s a moment people don’t talk about enough.  It’s the moment after the prayer.

After the tears.
After the journal entries.
After the late-night conversations with God where you said everything you were afraid to say out loud.

And then nothing changes.

Not the situation.
Not the pressure.
Not the reality waiting for you when you wake up.

But someone, usually well-meaning, looks at you and says, “Just pray about it” and something about that lands wrong.

Not because you don’t believe in prayer, but because you’ve been praying and still feel like you’re holding your life together with your bare hands. It’s not doubt in God. It’s exhaustion.

It’s the quiet confusion of wondering if you’re doing something wrong, questioning why it still feels this hard if you have faith, and asking yourself how long you’re supposed to hold on like this.

Somewhere along the way, faith got simplified into something that doesn’t match real life.

Does faith means no fear?! (I already know that at this moment you’re saying to yourself that God said do not fear)
Should prayer mean immediate peace?!
Does trust mean no questions?!

And if you’re still struggling, maybe you’re just not doing it right.  I don’t know about anyone else, but for me, I hate to admit that that version of faith doesn’t hold up when life actually hits.

So What Is Faith When Life Is Falling Apart?

Faith is not pretending everything is okay. Faith is continuing anyway when it’s not.

It looks like showing up to a job you’re about to lose.
It looks like staying sober when everything in you wants to escape.
It looks like having hard conversations in a relationship that’s breaking.
It looks like applying for opportunities when rejection feels guaranteed.

Faith is not passive, and it is definitely not silent.

“Faith Without Work Is Dead” But What Does the Work Look Like?

This is where people get stuck.

They hear “give it to God,” “let go,” and “don’t worry,” but no one explains how to do that while still living a real life with real responsibilities.

Scripture tells us not to worry about our lives, what we will eat or drink, or about our bodies and what we will wear. It reminds us that tomorrow will worry about itself and that each day has enough trouble of its own (Matthew 6:25–34).

You release the outcome, not the effort.

You still make the calls.
You still send the emails.
You still go to therapy.
You still set boundaries.
You still leave what needs to be left.

You just stop believing you control how it all turns out. You focus on the next right thing instead of trying to figure out everything at once. Sometimes the next step is small. Sometimes it feels almost insignificant. But it still counts.

You tell the truth, even in prayer. Real faith does not always sound polished. Sometimes it sounds like saying you are tired, that you do not understand, or that you do not see God in it right now. That honesty is still faith.

And then there is the part no one really explains. You stop confusing worry with responsibility. A lot of people quietly carry both because they think if they are not worrying, they are not taking things seriously. But worry does not fix anything. It just keeps your body in survival mode while you are trying to function. You can plan, prepare, and take action without replaying worst-case scenarios all day.

Why This Conversation Is Missing?

A lot of this conversation is missing because practicality requires depth.

It is easier to tell someone to pray and have faith than it is to sit with them in addiction, job loss, betrayal, financial stress, or emotional instability and help them figure out what faith looks like on a random Tuesday afternoon when nothing feels spiritual.

The truth is, many people are not walking away from faith. They are walking away from versions of it that never taught them how to live.

What Faith Looks Like in Real Life

In real life, faith looks like praying and still updating your résumé. It looks like trusting God and still leaving a relationship that is harming you. It looks like believing things will work out while applying for assistance. It looks like holding on while also asking for help. It is both.

Scripture also says that faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead (James 2:17).

If you have been doing everything you know to do, praying, trying, holding on, and nothing has shifted yet, it does not automatically mean you lack faith or that you are getting it wrong.

Sometimes it just means you are in the middle of something that has not resolved yet. That in-between space is where the real work of faith happens.

Telling someone to just pray about it without giving them tools can feel like being handed something you are supposed to use without knowing how.

Maybe the better conversation is asking what someone is carrying, what they have already tried, and where they actually need support. Faith was never meant to replace action, and action was never meant to replace faith.

You can believe in God and still feel overwhelmed.

You can pray daily and still not have answers yet.

You can have faith and still be figuring it out one step at a time.

That does not make you weak or your faith weak. It makes you honest.

Scripture tells us not to carry tomorrow’s weight today, and it also reminds us that faith requires action. When you put those together, it does not look like doing nothing and hoping for the best. It looks like doing what you can today, releasing what you cannot control, and trusting that God meets you in both.

Faith is not waiting for life to change. Faith is how you move while it hasn’t.              

The Price of Justice

Who Pays the Price While We Wait for “Justice”?

Let’s get one thing straight:
Law isn’t always moral.

And morality doesn’t always make it into law.

And while I’m on the subject, law isn’t always fair, so let’s stop calling it blind, when what we really mean is: selectively sighted.

For context, let’s clarify “the law.”  The law isn’t just a set of rules. It’s a system interpreted, applied, and enforced by people. And people are not robots. They come with their own fears, biases, beliefs, and baggage. Like:

A judge may be sworn to uphold justice, but they also have opinions.
A jury is meant to be impartial, but they also bring in life experience, prejudice, or fear.
And lawyers? Some are truth-seekers. Others are just really good at making things sound a certain way.

Sometimes it takes years, decades even, for the legal system to catch up to what we already know in our bones is right. And by the time it does?
Damage done.

The people who were right before the law agreed with them?
They’re the ones who get fired, get silenced, get arrested, get labeled “difficult,” “angry,” “criminal,” “unprofessional,” “unqualified,” or worse, forgotten.

It’s easy to think if something is legal, then it must be right, but history proves otherwise:

• Slavery was legal.

• Segregation was legal.

• Women being denied the right to vote was legal.

• Stealing Indigenous land was legal.

• Denying people with disabilities access to schools, jobs, and transportation? Also once legal.

See the pattern?

The law doesn't lead change. It follows it, and it drags its feet the whole way there. The courtroom doesn’t always reward the honest. It often rewards the one who can tell the most convincing story, file the right motion, or exploit the right loophole.

Sometimes, it’s not about what happened. It’s about what you can prove.

Meanwhile, the people pushing for change, the ones refusing to wait for someone in a robe or a suit to “validate” what they already know is true, those are the people who pay the price.

They lose jobs.
They lose sleep.
They lose rights.
They lose time.
Sometimes they lose their lives.

The courts might catch up eventually.
Congress might pass a bill.
An agency might revise a policy.

But until then? The ones who dared to speak up early, to resist, to demand better, they’re the ones who carry the cost of that delay.

So when people say, “If you didn’t do anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about,” I flinch (and maybe roll my eyes). I know too many people who did nothing wrong and still got crushed by the system. Not because they were guilty, but because they didn’t know how to fight back.

Didn’t have the money.
Didn’t speak the language.
Didn’t know their rights.
Or didn’t realize that justice wasn’t automatic.

Lady Justice might wear a blindfold, but for some reason, they chose not to apply that to the jurors or judge.

So the next time someone says,
“But that’s the law…”
You might want to ask:
Whose law?
Whose interests?
Whose timeline?
And at whose expense?

Because justice delayed isn't just justice denied. It's justice priced out of reach for most people.

And the receipt? The answer to the question of Who Pays the Price While We Wait for “Justice”?...

Is written in the names of the mis-labeled, the beat down, and the walked over. 

Find Peace

Find Peace: Lessons from Stephen Colbert

If you didn’t catch the lesson in 2020, I get it. COVID was traumatic. Everything was in chaos. The world cracked open and then immediately told us to pretend it hadn’t.

But here we are. Six years later. Still getting schooled in broad daylight. This time, I’m talking about 2025 events, and the teacher was The Late Show or more specifically, what happened with Stephen Colbert.

In case you missed it… Let me break it down:

• CBS.

• A 33-year-old franchise.

• Nine years of Colbert at the wheel.

• Number one in ratings.

• Revenue up.

• No scandals. No real complaints. Just wins.

And yet... someone, somewhere decided: it’s time for a change.

I’m not here to talk conspiracies. I’m here to talk truth, and the truth is this: everyone is replaceable to the machine.

Yes, Colbert was paid. Yes, he’ll be fine. That’s not the point. The point is: don’t ever think being valuable to a system means the system values you. Because it doesn’t.

And if you make your peace, your worth, or your purpose dependent on being needed by a network, a company, a team, or even a title, you’ll spend your life chasing a carrot they can pull away at any time.

So here's four things that I hope you’ll try to start this year:

1. Find peace that doesn’t depend on applause.
Peace in God, if you believe. Peace in purpose, if you’re searching. But make sure it’s rooted somewhere deeper than your position on a spreadsheet.

2. Create something that makes the world better without making anyone else worse.
It doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be honest. A garden. A podcast. A poem. A business. A home. Something that gives more than it takes.

3. Learn to want less.
Because “more” has a hunger that can’t be satisfied. And when you try to feed it, little by little, it chips away at your humanity until one day you’re standing in a boardroom making decisions you don’t recognize for people you stopped seeing as people.

4. Guard your voice.
You will be offered deals. Influence. Exposure. Money. All if you’ll just bend, just a little. But ask yourself: is what you’re trading worth what you’ll lose?

Because here’s the truth nobody wants to say out loud:

They’ll always find another host. Another lawyer. Another creative. “Another”…but not quite another “you.”

So stop trying to be indispensable to the factory.

And start being irreplaceable to yourself and your family.

The Myth of Prestige

You’re a Lawyer? You Must Be Rich

The Myth of Prestige, the Reality of Paychecks, and Why the Joke’s Not Funny Anymore

There’s a joke I once heard that the J.D. after a lawyer’s name doesn’t actually stand for Juris Doctor.
It stands for "Just Debt."

And I’ll admit, when I graduated from law school and started practicing, that joke hit a little too close to home.

People hear "lawyer" and immediately imagine courtroom drama, high-rise offices, and six-figure salaries with a bonus for breathing. But let me show you what it actually looked like.

My first job offer?
$38,000 and a reminder that I would be the first black attorney (they literally said this). For a law school graduate with student loan debt well into six figures.
I turned it down.

My second job offer?
$110,000 with an understanding that I would not do real case work for another 2 years and they paid me for my time, which meant I needed to “be available.”  
I turned it down. Crazy? Maybe, but I would probably do the same thing again for the same reasons.

My third job offer?
$50,000 public service job.
That one I accepted. Not because it was fair, but because I needed to start somewhere substantive.

Two years later I moved to a position that doubled my pay, but I left with a TON of real case experience, jury trials, and 10 judges in my phone that I could genuinely contact for anything. 

At the time, I thought I’d finally closed the gap, until I learned that someone with less experience than me was making $10,000 more. And she was kind enough to tell me because even she thought it was wrong.

But let’s back up to the public service job. That $50,000 government attorney salary came with a shiny promise:
Loan forgiveness… in ten years.
The catch?
You had to stay at that job, or one like it for a decade.
You had to hope your salary increased steadily (it usually didn’t and certainly didn’t beat inflation).
You had to trust that the forgiveness program wouldn’t disappear before your ten years were up.
And you had to pretend like you could afford life in the meantime.

Spoiler: You couldn’t.

The problem here isn’t just money.
It’s the assumption.
The assumption that lawyers,  like doctors, like dentists, like anyone with an expensive degree are automatically rolling in it.

But degrees don’t guarantee dollars.
And prestige doesn’t pay the bills.

It’s insulting how often public defenders are treated like they’re not “real lawyers.”
It’s painful how often people assume you're just "not doing it right" if you're not making six figures right out the gate.
It’s exhausting having to explain that your “fancy job” pays less than a union plumber who skipped college and owns his house outright.

Let’s break it down.

Most lawyers do not start at $300,000. That would be specialized experience in what is called “Big law,” which are big law firms that can afford to start new graduates at $180,000+.

The majority do not work in Big Law.
Many begin in public service roles like public defenders, prosecutors, legal aid attorneys, government agencies, where starting salaries can range from $45,000–$65,000 depending on the state.

Now add:

• $120,000–$250,000 in student loans (this is the national debt average, but my friends had more)

• Interest rates that compound daily
• Bar exam fees
• Licensing fees
• Continuing education costs
• Professional insurance
• Taxes that remove a third of that paycheck

And then layer on a public narrative that says, “You’re a lawyer. You’re fine.”

Loan forgiveness programs exist, yes, but they typically require 10 years of qualifying payments in public service. That means:

• You must remain in qualifying employment.

• You face the potential for unintentionally branding yourself as a public sector lawyer
• You must make consistent payments the entire time.
• You are taxed on certain forgiven amounts depending on the program.
• Policy changes can impact eligibility.

It’s not a shortcut. It’s a long road. We built a culture that equates education with automatic wealth. But education often comes with leverage and leverage comes with risk.

Doctors face similar paths. So do dentists. So do pharmacists. So do many highly educated professionals.

Prestige and profit are not the same thing, so before assuming someone with a professional degree is “set,” consider:

• What did it cost them to get there?
• What trade-offs did they make?
• What salary structure does that field actually pay at entry level?
• How long does it realistically take to stabilize?

I’m not bitter. I’m not mad. I’m just tired of the story being told incorrectly, so I’ve decided to set it straight.

Some of us said yes to service work.
Some of us took the lower-paying job because we believed in the mission and we wanted the experience.
Some of us are still trying to climb out of the debt it took just to be allowed in the room.

The issue isn’t that lawyers are underpaid.
The issue is that people misunderstand how the system is structured.

So the next time someone asks what you do and you say, “I’m a lawyer,”
and they follow with, “Oh, you must be doing really well for yourself,” you have my permission to say:
“Doing well doesn’t always mean getting paid well, but the earning potential is there.”

If you’re the person making the assumption, try not to.  Instead, ask about why we went to law school, who we are, we are more than our titles.

Stop Trusting the SystemThat Keeps Proving It Can’t Be Trusted

In a world where documentaries drop weekly just to confirm that yes, it was as bad as we thought, but actually worse, why are we still giving people, companies, and systems the benefit of the doubt?

We’ve seen behind the curtain. We’ve watched government agencies fumble crises, corporations lie outright, and “trusted professionals” turn out to be nothing more than titles with a PR team.

So why, in 2026 are we still trusting verbal promises?

Why do I still spend half my time reminding smart, capable people to get everything in writing after conversations that go like this:

“I had a phone conversation with them… they said it was fine…”

“I called to confirm… now they’re saying they have no record of it…”

That’s a problem. You’re trusting a system that has shown you over and over that it doesn’t deserve your trust. Not because everyone is out to get you. But because:

• Some people are malicious.

• Many people are forgetful.

• And too many people will cover their mistakes by throwing you under the bus

Stop playing fair in a rigged game and wasting energy on frustration because others aren’t fair.

Here’s how you protect yourself and your future:

• Send it certified. If you’re mailing something important, send it with tracking and proof. “We never received it” stops being a usable excuse.

• Make copies. Keep your own records. Digital and physical.

• Ask for what you sign. Always request a copy of anything you sign. That’s not annoying, it’s smart.

• Slow down. You’re allowed to read the document. Don’t let anyone rush you.

• Confirm the conversation. After that call? Send a follow-up email: “Just confirming our conversation today at 1:15 PM. We discussed X, and you agreed to Y.”

• Record the call (legally). They tell you their calls are being recorded, consider doing the same if it’s legal in your state. For your own records. For your own protection.

This isn’t paranoia. It’s preparation because people change jobs, they forget details, they misstate facts, and when that happens, the burden falls on you to prove what actually happened.

This goes for everyone:

• Your HR rep

• Your supervisor

• Their supervisor

• The new claims adjuster

• The new school principal

• That helpful state employee

You are not being difficult. You are documenting.

Stop expecting people to remember.

Stop assuming systems are working.

Stop assuming good intentions are enough.

Because when it comes down to your money, your benefits, your case, your job, your name…

IT WON’T BE ENOUGH.

The Women of the Bible

I would like to end Women’s History Month by demonstrating the need to stop reducing the women in the bible them to morality lessons and start recognizing them as strategists, leaders, financiers, judges, prophets, disruptors, and witnesses.

Every year, when biblical women are discussed, the same stories surface.

The woman who washed Jesus’ feet.
The “prostitute.”
The obedient wife.
The silent supporter.

Why are women so often summarized by one moment, usually a moment tied to shame, sexuality, or submission, when their actual roles were strategic, political, courageous, and history-shifting?

Men in scripture are remembered as kings, prophets, disciples, and builders. Women are remembered as “the one who…”

We can do better.

Let’s look again.

1. Deborah: A Judge and Military Leader

Before kings ruled Israel, judges did, and one of them was Deborah.

Deborah was not a side character. In Judges Chapter 4-5, she was called a prophetess, the only female judge, the highest civic and spiritual authority in Israel at the time. She delivered messages from God and judged disputes for the Israelites, sitting under a palm tree.  She and Barak led 10,000 men to defeat the army of Sisera and she said, “for the Lord will deliver Sisera into the hands of a woman.”

She advised the general. She gave the strategy. She went to the battlefield.

Lesson:
Leadership is not gendered. Authority is not accidental. Wisdom does not require apology.

Some women aren’t called to assist power. They are called to be it.

2. Esther (Hadassah): Political Strategy and Calculated Risk

Esther is often reduced to beauty because King Xerxes was attracted to her and made her Queen.

But her story is political intelligence.

She understood timing.
She understood influence.
She understood risk.

Esther learned that the King was going to kill all the Jews (the King didn’t realize she was a Jew), but approaching the king uninvited could mean death. She didn’t rush. She prepared. She fasted. She hosted strategic dinners before making her ask.

She didn’t just “speak up.”
She positioned herself and said, “If I perish, I perish.”

Lesson:
Courage isn’t reckless. It is prepared.

There is power in understanding rooms, systems, and timing, especially when the stakes are high.

3. Mary Magdalene: First Witness

Mary Magdalene had seven demons caste out, but has been mislabeled for centuries as a prostitute (though the Bible never says that).

What it does say (Luke 8:2):

She was present.
She was loyal.
She financially supported Jesus’ ministry (along with several other women: Joanna, Susanna)
And she was the first to witness the resurrection.

Let’s pause there.

The first person entrusted with announcing the most pivotal event in Christianity was a woman.

Lesson:
History may mislabel you. Truth outlives the label.

4. Mary of Bethany: The Woman Who Anointed Jesus

This woman is often described by what people assumed about her.

But her action (John 12):

She entered a room where she was not socially welcomed.
She disrupted the atmosphere.
She spent what scholars estimate could have been a year’s wages on perfume.

And while others criticized her, Jesus defended her. He said she was preparing him for burial.

In other words, she understood what others missed.

Lesson:
Discernment doesn’t always look respectable.

Sometimes the person judged as emotional or inappropriate is actually spiritually perceptive.

5. Ruth: Economic Strategy and Loyalty

Ruth is often framed as romantic and a childless widow.

But she was widowed, vulnerable, and economically at risk.

She left her people and her pagan gods and decided to follow Naomi’s God.

She did hard labor and married Boaz.
She followed Naomi’s strategic instructions regarding Boaz.

Ruth wasn’t passive.  She navigated survival within a system she did not create.

Lesson:
Loyalty and strategy can coexist. Faith and practicality are not opposites.

There are so many other women like (Joshua 2) Rahab, the prostitute, who hid the spies in Jericho and was actually the mother of Boaz.

The midwives (Exodus 1:15) Shiphrah and Puah, who refused the king of Egypt’s orders to kill the baby boys.

Miriam (Exodus 2), who not only watched her brother Moses get to safety, but she hid his true identity as he rose up to be an Egyptian.

Countless more, yet the stories that get highlighted are HIS-story.

Why This Matters Now

Women are still reduced.

At work.
In church.
In politics.
Online.

Reduced to:

• The emotional one.

• The pretty one.

• The angry one.

• The single mom.

• The wife.

• The “difficult” one.

The pattern hasn’t changed much.

But neither has the truth.

Women have always:

• Led nations.

• Funded movements.

• Influenced policy.

• Preserved communities.

• Spoken truth when silence was safer.

The difference is who tells the story.

Lessons We Can Carry Forward

1. Don’t accept one-sentence summaries of your life.

2. Study the system you’re in.

3. Move strategically, not reactively.

4. Support other women without reducing them.

5. Correct narratives when they’re incomplete.

And perhaps most importantly:

Stop repeating stories about women that center shame instead of substance.

If we’re going to talk about biblical women, and women in general, let’s talk about them as whole.

Not warnings.
Not scandals.
Not footnotes.

But who they really are…strategic leaders.

Generational Women:What We Inherited and What We’re Unlearning

Before social media.
Before podcasts.
Before “soft life” became a hashtag.

There were women.

Not perfect women.
Not always healed women.
But powerful women.

Your first blueprint for womanhood likely came from one person, your mother.
Whether she raised you, disappointed you, inspired you, abandoned you, or simply did the best she could with what she had, she shaped something in you.

Even absence teaches.

This is not a blog about blame. It’s a blog about clarity, gratitude, and even appreciation, because if we don’t name what we inherited, we will repeat it (and that’s not always the goal).

The Original “Influencer”

Long before algorithms, there was observation.

You learned:

• How to respond to stress.

• How to handle money.

• How to deal with men.

• How to express anger.

• Whether rest was allowed.

• Whether joy was safe.

• Whether silence was survival.

Even if your mother wasn’t physically present, her story still touched yours:

• Through the stories told about her.

• Through the wounds left by her absence.

• Through the way others spoke her name.

• Through what you had to become because she wasn’t there.

She influenced your nervous system before you knew what a nervous system was. That is power.

Many of our mothers were raised in survival mode.

They carried:

• Financial instability

• Gender expectations

• Racial barriers

• Cultural silence

• Religious pressure

• Limited opportunity

So they developed skills that kept families afloat.

Maybe you inherited:

• The ability to work nonstop.

• The instinct to anticipate problems.

• Emotional restraint.

• Fierce independence.

• Hyper-responsibility.

• Loyalty at all costs.

• The capacity to endure.

Those are not small things. Those are survival strategies.

They fed households.
They kept lights on.
They held marriages together.
They protected children.

Your strength may be her inheritance.

Pause and ask yourself:

• What did my mother do exceptionally well under pressure?

• Where did she show resilience?

• What parts of me are direct evidence of her strength?

Give her credit where it is due. Even if it’s complicated.

There are limitations that we have to recognize.  Survival mode creates strength, but it also creates rigidity.

What keeps you alive in one season can limit you in another.

Maybe you inherited:

• Belief that rest equals laziness.

• Fear of depending on anyone.

• Silence instead of confrontation.

• Over-functioning in relationships.

• Accepting crumbs because “at least he’s trying.”

• Money anxiety, even when you’re stable.

• A belief that love must be earned through suffering.

These patterns often feel normal because they were modeled as normal.

But normal does not mean healthy.

Ask yourself:

• What do I defend automatically?

• What triggers me deeply?

• Where do I feel guilt for wanting more?

• What did I see modeled as “a good woman”?

And then ask the hard one: Is this serving me now?

You can also honor your mother and still tell the truth. You can acknowledge her sacrifice and still acknowledge her harm.

Both can coexist.

Some of our mothers were emotionally unavailable because no one ever taught them emotional language. Some were harsh because gentleness never protected them. Some were silent because speaking up cost too much. Some were absent because they were drowning. Understanding context does not erase impact, but it helps you separate:

• What was survival
  from

• What is now self-sabotage.

Once you recognize that, unlearning is not rebellion. It is refinement.

It sounds like:

• I can work hard without destroying myself.

• I can love without disappearing.

• I can rest without guilt.

• I can speak without exploding.

• I can earn without fear.

• I can mother differently.

• I can be soft and strong.

Unlearning requires one thing many women were never modeled:

Self-examination without shame.

You are not betraying your mother by evolving.

You are extending her story.

Every generation has a woman who says: “This stops with me.”

That woman is often misunderstood. She may be labeled dramatic, ungrateful, too sensitive, too ambitious.

But she is usually the first to:

• Go to therapy.

• Question unhealthy relationships.

• Demand financial literacy.

• Set boundaries.

• Rest publicly.

• Choose peace over performance.

Breaking patterns feel uncomfortable because it disrupts familiarity, but familiarity is not destiny.

If you’re willing, sit with this: Write two lists. 1. What I inherited that is power and 2. What I inherited that I am releasing.

Be honest.

No performance.
No audience.
Just truth.

Then ask:

What does the woman five years from now thank me for changing?

Our mothers were shaped by systems.

Workplaces that undervalued them.
Communities that overburdened them.
Cultural rules that restricted them.

Many women were expected to give endlessly and complain never, so if your mother seemed hard, ask what hardened her. If she seemed tired, ask what exhausted her.  If she seemed guarded, ask what betrayed her.

Context creates compassion, but awareness creates freedom.

So now you get to choose.  You are allowed to keep the strength. You are allowed to release the fear. You are allowed to evolve without apology.

Generational women are not just about inheritance. They are about intention.

What you choose to carry forward. What you choose to set down.

That is the real influence.

Not perfection.

But conscious evolution, and that might be the most powerful thing a woman can pass down.

The Myth of “Having It All”

For decades, women have been handed a promise:

You can have the career.
You can have the marriage.
You can have the children.
You can keep your body tight.
You can stay soft, kind, polished, pleasant.
You can lead at work and still be the glue at home.

“You can have it all,” but no one ever clarified the fine print.

1.     The Women Who “Just Did It”

The generation before us didn’t talk about “work-life balance.”

They worked.
They raised children.
They held marriages together.
They often did it without therapy language, without corporate flexibility, without Instagram affirmations.

Many of them:

• Woke up before everyone.

• Went to work.

• Came home and cooked.

• Managed homework.

• Managed emotions.

• Managed holidays.

• Managed extended family.

• Managed finances, even when their names weren’t on accounts.

And they didn’t call it burnout. They called it life, but here’s what often gets left out of the narrative:

Just because they did it all doesn’t mean it didn’t cost them.

Many carried:

• Untreated stress

• Silent resentment

• Unspoken loneliness

• Deferred dreams

• Bodies that paid the price later

They survived it.
But survival and fulfillment are not the same thing. Would you rather be in a relationship where someone says, “I survived you,” or “I enjoyed you?”

2.     The Women with “Work-Life Balance”

Now we have a new phrase: work-life balance.

Flexible schedules.
Remote work.
Entrepreneurship.
Wellness culture.
Boundaries.

We are told:

• Prioritize yourself.

• Choose peace.

• Don’t overextend.

• Say no.

• Protect your energy.

And yet…

Why does it still feel like someone is always tired?

Why does it still feel like something is always slipping?

Why does it still feel like the standard is “effortless excellence”?

Here’s the tension:

Some women say balance is real, you just need systems. Others say balance is a marketing slogan because something always gives.

I hate to say it, but I think…THEY’RE BOTH RIGHT.

Balance isn’t a permanent state. It’s a negotiation that never ends.

3.     The Married Women: Two Incomes, One Load?

Let’s talk about what we don’t say out loud. Not all marriages look the same behind closed doors.

Some women are:

• Married and still functionally single.

• Married and financially isolated.

• Married to men who are kind but passive.

• Married to men who love them but don’t understand the mental load.

• Married to men who work hard but still expect her work to bend.

From the outside, it looks like two incomes. Inside, it feels like one nervous system carrying the family.

Even in healthy marriages with involved fathers, a pattern often remains:

• The mother tracks the appointments.

• The mother knows the shoe size.

• The mother packs the snacks.

• The mother manages the social calendar.

• The mother anticipates the emotional climate.

Children often gravitate toward the nurturing parent, not because fathers are incapable, but because nurturing has historically been trained into women at a deeper level.

And here’s the quiet frustration:

Even when husbands try, truly try, many women still feel they are giving more to support his career than he gives to support hers.

She rearranges meetings for sick days.
She absorbs school calls.
She flexes first.

And sometimes, she wonders: Who flexes for me?

4.     The Women Who “Pick One”

Back to the women who say, “balance is a marketing slogan.” “You can’t have it all. Pick something.”

Career or motherhood.
Peace or ambition.
Marriage or independence.
Beauty or authenticity.

But what if that framing is the real trap?

The problem isn’t wanting it all.

The problem is defining “all” based on external expectations instead of internal alignment.

The Body

Let’s not ignore this layer:

Women are expected to:

• Carry children.

• Recover quickly.

• Stay attractive.

• Age slowly.

• Compete professionally.

• Be sexually available.

• Be emotionally regulated.

All while being grateful.

The body becomes another performance metric.

And when exhaustion shows up physically? It’s treated like poor time management.

So What Is the Truth?

And What Should We Tell The Future Women Who Are Making The Choice?

The truth is:

Every path has trade-offs.

Single women feel loneliness and freedom.
Married women feel partnership and weight.
Stay-at-home mothers feel presence and invisibility.
Corporate women feel achievement and guilt.
Entrepreneurs feel autonomy and instability.

There is no greener grass.
There is just different soil.

What If “Having It All” Was Never the Goal?

What if the real question isn’t: “Can I have it all?”

But: “What am I willing to carry, and what am I willing to release?”

Engagement doesn’t come from pretending it’s easy. It comes from telling the truth.

So for Women’s History Month, maybe the conversation shifts:

• What did the women before us sacrifice that we don’t want to?

• What are we romanticizing that they quietly endured?

• What support do we actually need, not aesthetically, but structurally?

• What does partnership really look like and how do we get it?

• Where are we still over-functioning?

Let’s Talk About It

• Do you believe work-life balance exists?

• If you’re married, does your partnership feel equitable?

• If you’re single, what do married women misunderstand about your freedom?

• If you’re a mother, what is the invisible labor no one sees?

The myth of having it all isn’t that women are incapable.

It’s that the system quietly assumes we will absorb whatever is left over.

And maybe this generation’s real legacy isn’t proving we can do it all.

Maybe it’s finally deciding we don’t have to.

The Cost of Composure: Women at Work

Women’s History Month, amongst other female successes, often highlights firsts:

First woman CEO.
First woman elected.
First woman partner.

But what rarely gets discussed is the cost of being the “first,” the “only,” or the “one who made it.”

Corporate America isn’t separate from America. It’s a smaller stage running the exact same playbook.

Today, women face less career support and fewer opportunities to advance as companies show declining commitment to women’s progress. And on that stage, Black women specifically, are still navigating an invisible performance review that has nothing to do with competence.

In case you’re reading this and inclined to doubt, here are some fun irrefutable statistics that didn’t just come from me and my thoughts:

According to McKinsey & Company’s Women in the Workplace reports:

• For every 100 men promoted, 93 women are also promoted, but only about 74 Black women.

• Black women are more likely than any other group of women to say they have had their judgment questioned in their area of expertise.

• They are significantly more likely to be mistaken for someone more junior.

• Black women report higher rates of burnout than white women and men.

The U.S. Census Bureau continues to report that Black women earn approximately 65–66 cents for every dollar earned by white, non-Hispanic men.

Black women even earn less than white women ($52,370 median for all women) and generally face a wider wage gap than other groups. (Oddly, this actually increases the higher the education)

And despite being one of the fastest-growing groups of entrepreneurs in the country, Black women receive a fraction of venture capital funding compared to other founders.

This isn’t a coincidence.
It’s a pattern.

Black women in corporate spaces often operate inside a narrow corridor of “acceptable behavior.”

Too confident? Intimidating.
Too quiet? Disengaged.
Too assertive? Aggressive.
Too calm? Uninvested.

Research in workplace bias shows that women of color are penalized both for speaking up and for holding back, called a psychological “double bind” that creates chronic stress.

So composure becomes strategy.

Not because we don’t care.
Not because we lack urgency (This one was my favorite to be accused of ).
But because history has shown that emotional expression is often weaponized against us.

And that composure? It has a cost. The cost is internal.

Sitting in the car to decompress before going home.
Replaying conversations in your head.
Wondering if your tone was “safe.”
Being excellent and exhausted.

During Women’s History Month, we celebrate progress, but progress without honesty is incomplete.

From domestic labor to boardrooms, Black women have historically been expected to be:

• resilient but not reactive

• strong but not sensitive

• productive but not praised

• visible when useful, invisible when inconvenient

The setting changed. The expectation did not.

According to Forbes, the most recent jobs report revealed that 350,000 Black women were pushed out of the workforce, out of corporate, out of jobs, out of abilities to provide for their families.

One woman’s story (I’ve actually heard this from a total of 5 so far), was that she was stressed, having panic attacks at work, working 60, 70 hours a week, told she was doing great, but when the Director role opened up that she was basically doing all the work for, they never considered her, didn’t even give her an interview, then asked her to train the white man that they hired instead.

Ironically enough, a friend of mine had an eerily similar story, where she actually refused to train the man and was written up for it (in an effort to eventually push her out as well). Just another example of:

Your excellence is tolerated, not celebrated.
Your ideas are borrowed, not credited.
Your boundaries are questioned, not respected.

At this point, it’s obvious, to quote Forbes, “This administration has deployed a different narrative, but the purpose is the same as always: to erode the pathways that allowed Black women even a chance at the middle class.” 

So What Do We Do?

Where do we go?
When we want more.
When we are more.
When we are capable of more, but are told, in a thousand quiet ways, that our place is already full.

Hope is not passive. Strategy matters. Some are rebuilding through entrepreneurship, others are demanding systemic reforms, and all are navigating the intersection of workforce inequity and personal resilience.

Black women continue to lead in entrepreneurship and are the fastest-growing demographic of entrepreneurs in the U.S.

Here are tangible moves for Black women and for organizations serious about change.

1. Document Everything

Not from paranoia, from protection.
Track accomplishments. Save emails. Record outcomes. When evaluation season comes, receipts speak louder than perception.

2. Build Parallel Rooms

If the room you’re in drains you, build or find rooms that restore you. Professional affinity groups. Mastermind circles. Mentorship spaces. Entrepreneurship ecosystems. Isolation weakens. Community fortifies.

3. Separate Feedback from Bias

Ask: Is this about performance?
If “tone” is mentioned without examples tied to business impact, that is data. Data you can respond to strategically.

If something else is mentioned that has absolutely nothing to do with performance, ask questions such as “what are some examples of how you would like me to demonstrate that?” and “how will this be evaluated in accordance with my performance?”

Be prepared to get a BS answer to a BS request and know that it’s likely not about your performance.

4. Advocate for Structural Change

Organizations must:

• Track promotion equity by race and gender.

• Standardize evaluation criteria.

• Tie executive bonuses to diversity outcomes.

• Train leadership in bias interruption, not just awareness.

Culture does not shift by conversation alone. It shifts when incentives shift.

5. Remember This Truth

You are not imagining it, and you are not the problem.

If you have ever felt unseen, unheard, or misunderstood in a space you worked hard to enter, that feeling is not weakness. It is awareness.

Women’s History Month is not just about celebrating survival, progress, the improvement of rights…

It’s about designing a future where composure is a choice, not armor.

Where excellence is acknowledged without suspicion.
Where leadership does not require shrinking.
Where calm is read as strength, not indifference.

Corporate America may be a smaller stage running the same playbook, but stages can be rewritten, scripts can be edited, and power can be redistributed. (If you’re interested in playing that game)

History, the kind we celebrate, is always written by the ones who refused to quietly accept the role they were assigned.

This month, and every month, the question is not: “Where do I go?”

The question is not: “What do I build?”

And that answer, collectively, is how this story changes.

Women vs. Women

Why Do Women Struggle to Give Each Other Grace?

We talk a lot about empowerment.

We post quotes.
We say “support women.”
We celebrate women’s accomplishments.

But there’s a quieter question many of us don’t say out loud:

Why does it sometimes feel easier to forgive men… than to forgive other women?

Why are we sometimes hardest on ourselves and each other?

And why do boundaries between women sometimes feel like betrayal instead of protection?

This isn’t about blaming women. It’s about understanding the pattern. So, here are my theories:

1. History Taught Women to Compete, Not Collaborate

For most of history, women did not control resources, property, income, or legal identity. Access to stability often depended on proximity to male approval.

When opportunities are limited, people compete. For generations, women were placed in systems where:

• There was one seat at the table

• One promotion

• One respected role

• One “acceptable” woman

That scarcity mindset didn’t disappear when laws changed. It lingered culturally.

When you grow up in environments shaped by scarcity, it’s easy to see other women as competition instead of allies. Not because we are cruel, but because we were conditioned to survive.

2. Women Were Taught to “Police” Each Other

From a young age, many girls learn that being “good” means:

• Being agreeable

• Not being too loud

• Not being too ambitious

• Not being too emotional

• Not taking up too much space

And who often enforces those rules?

Other women.

Mothers.
Teachers.
Supervisors.
Church leaders.
Friends.

When love and approval feel conditional, we learn to monitor behavior, ours and others’.

So when another woman asserts herself, sets a boundary, or moves differently, it can feel disruptive. Not because it is wrong, but because it challenges what we were taught in response to experience with men.

3. Anger at Women Can Feel Safer

Here is a hard truth:

It can feel safer to direct anger toward another woman than toward a man.

Anger toward men can carry risks:

• Rejection

• Conflict

• Loss of opportunity

• Being labeled “difficult”

• Even physical danger

Anger toward women (or “the other women”) often feels socially acceptable, so frustration that originates with systems, institutions, or male behavior sometimes gets redirected sideways.

Instead of confronting the real problem, we confront each other.

4. We Expect More from Women

We hold women to higher emotional standards. We expect women to be:

• Nurturing

• Self-aware

• Emotionally intelligent

• Thoughtful

• Selfless

So when a woman disappoints us, it feels personal. When a man does the same thing, it feels predictable.

That double standard creates harsher judgment between women, and more forgiveness for men.

5. Boundaries Were Not Modeled as Healthy

Many of us were raised in environments where:

• Saying “no” was considered disrespectful

• Privacy was considered secrecy

• Rest was considered laziness

• Self-advocacy was considered selfish

If you were taught that boundaries equal rejection, then another woman’s boundary can feel like abandonment. So instead of respecting the line, we push it. Not because we don’t care (actually some don’t), but because we were never taught how to care without overstepping.

6. Internalized Narratives Still Exist

Society has long labeled women as:

• Dramatic

• Emotional

• Difficult

• Catty

When those messages repeat for generations, they shape expectations. Some women internalize those narratives, and unconsciously apply them to other women.

The result?

Back to #4, we become harsh critics of each other in ways that mirror the very systems that restricted us.

So What Do We Do With This?

Awareness is the first interruption. Awareness alone isn’t enough.

Here are tangible shifts we can practice:

1. Normalize Boundaries

If another woman says no, believe her.
If she needs space, honor it.
If she protects her peace, respect it.

2. Pause Before Criticism

Ask:
Is this about her or is this triggering something in me?

3. Redirect Anger Upward

When frustration arises, ask where it truly belongs.
Is this about her… or about a system?

4. Extend the Grace You Want

Speak to women the way you wish someone had spoken to you when you were learning.

5. Teach the Next Generation Differently

Model healthy limits.
Model apology without ego.
Model strength without competition.

Ignore the noise that others bring you and if you need to, pick up a phone and speak directly.

The Truth

Women are not inherently harsh toward one another. We are navigating inherited patterns shaped by history, scarcity, and survival.

But survival is not the same as solidarity. We have the power to choose differently.

To give ourselves grace.
To give other women room to grow.
To respect boundaries without feeling rejected.
To support without competing.

That shift doesn’t just heal relationships.

It rewrites legacy.

The Science Behind Black Strength

I recently listened to a course by Dr. Anna Lembke, and as soon as she said this one thing, my mind went to one place:

“What we need to be healthy is not more comfort or pleasure, but more challenge and difficulty.”

Not hustle culture.
Not suffering for suffering’s sake.
But measured discomfort.

As she explained it about an organism, the brain and body become more resilient when exposed to mild to moderate stressors. That could be physical (like exercise), emotional (delayed gratification), or psychological (pushing through difficulty instead of avoiding it).

And immediately, my mind went to my people.

Many of us grew up hearing:

• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

• Pressure makes diamonds.

• You’ll be fine, you’ve handled worse.

Those phrases weren’t motivational posters. They were survival strategies.

Dr. Lembke explained that when an organism is exposed to manageable levels of discomfort like pain, nausea, strain, it adapts. It doesn’t break. It recalibrates. The brain releases neurotransmitters that don’t just help in the moment, but continue working long after the stressor ends.

Exercise is a perfect example.
It is literally stressful to the body, tiny muscle tears, increased heart rate, metabolic strain. And yet, it strengthens us and gives so many positive outcomes to the body.

Is any of this starting to catch on to you?

Now layer that science over history and let’s stop and ask an interesting question…

If someone has had hundreds of years of accumulated advantage, access to education, land, capital, literacy, and inherited business knowledge. If someone has had the ability to read and pass that skill down through generations, if someone can say this has been in my family or my family has owned this business for 60, 50, or 40 years, then how is it that today, that same someone can also claim that others who did not have access to any of that somehow “took your job” or was “given opportunities they didn’t deserve?”

Technically speaking, by every metric ever used to rely on, time, access, resources, lineage, the others should still be far behind. They shouldn’t be anywhere near you. In fact, logic would say the gap should be permanent.

And yet, here we are.

In boardrooms.
Leading teams.
Creating culture.
Building businesses.
Magnetizing influence.

So when someone says:

• You took my job.

• You didn’t earn that opportunity.

• You were given something you didn’t deserve.

Pause.

Because if someone truly had a 400-year head start, they wouldn’t be threatened by someone who started miles behind.

The answer lies within the science spoke plainly by Dr. Lembke, “if you expose an organism to a mild to moderate toxic, nauseous or painful stimuli, you actually make that organism more resilient.”

Misplaced Focus Is the Real Liability

Here’s the part that applies to everyone in business, leadership, and life.

The moment you fixate on:

• your perceived enemy

• your perceived competition

• the group you believe is “taking” from you

You divert energy away from your own growth. That is never a winning strategy.

Worse, history and science agree on this point:

Targeting others does not weaken them, it strengthens them.

Pressure creates adaptation.
Resistance creates skill.
Discomfort creates resilience.

All you’re doing is sharpening someone else while dulling yourself.

A Word to Those Who Have Been the Target

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of dismissal, doubt, or hostility, hear this clearly:

What someone says about you often has nothing to do with you.

When someone needs to explain why you don’t belong, why you’re undeserving, or why your presence bothers them, it’s usually because your existence contradicts a story they need to believe.

If you truly weren’t capable, they wouldn’t need to talk about you at all.

And now we know something else:
This isn’t folklore.
This isn’t just generational wisdom.

It’s science.

Mild doses of adversity build strength.
Sustained pressure creates resilience.

So don’t internalize the toxicity.
Recognize it for what it is.

Use it.
Grow from it.
And keep moving forward, focused, grounded, and progressing.

Because history shows it.
And science confirms it.

You are more resilient than any other organism that has had it easy, and comfortable.  You will always win, because you are being molded to do so.

Black History. Universal History.

There’s a moment of perspective that changes how you see yourself forever.  If it hasn’t happened yet, I hope it does after you read this blog post.

Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson explained that the universe is approximately 14 billion years old. He also explained something even more grounding: the ingredients that make up life on Earth, hydrogen, helium, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen, and trace elements, are the most common elements in the entire universe.

Which means this isn’t poetry or metaphor.

It’s physics.

We are all literally composed of stardust.

The same elements forged in the birth of stars live in your bones, your blood, your breath. We are not visitors to the universe. We are of the universe. The universe is alive within us, and we are alive within it.

That truth matters, especially during Black History Month.

(Keep reading, I promise to bring it together.)

The Lie of Smallness

So much of Black history has been distorted by one central lie: that Black people are somehow smaller, lesser, or peripheral to the human story.

History books minimized contributions. Systems reduced value to labor. Narratives framed survival as resistance instead of brilliance. And over time, those messages did something dangerous, they tried to convince people that they were accidents instead of inevitabilities. I said tried.

But physics doesn’t lie.

If the universe itself required billions of years of expansion, collapse, pressure, heat, and transformation to produce the elements that formed you, then your existence is not random. It is not marginal. It is not disposable.

It is precise.

Black Excellence Is Not an Exception, It’s Evidence

Neil deGrasse Tyson’s work doesn’t just expand our understanding of space. It quietly dismantles the idea that intellectual authority has a single look, origin, or voice.

Black excellence is often treated as an exception:

• “The first.”

• “One of the few.”

• “Against all odds.”

But the universe tells a different story.

Creation itself thrives on diversity, variation, collision, and remixing. Stars die so others can form. Elements combine under pressure to create entirely new possibilities. Nothing in the cosmos exists in isolation, and nothing meaningful is created without tension.

Black history is not a sidebar to human history.
It is a record of adaptation, innovation, and endurance under cosmic-level pressure.

That’s not accidental.
That’s foundational.

You Carry the Universe and Its Authority

When you understand that you are made of the same materials as stars, something shifts.

You stop shrinking in rooms that benefit from your silence.
You stop apologizing for taking up space.
You stop internalizing systems that were never designed to tell the truth about your worth.

This isn’t motivational talk. It’s grounding.

If the universe is expansive, evolving, and resilient, and you are made from it, then those traits live in you too.

Your curiosity.
Your creativity.
Your insistence on justice.
Your refusal to disappear.

That’s not rebellion.
That’s alignment.

My brand, LabelMeLegal, exists because too many people have been taught to doubt themselves in systems that profit from confusion, intimidation, and silence.

Whether it’s the legal system, corporate spaces, financial structures, or education, people are often made to feel like they don’t belong, don’t know enough, or shouldn’t ask questions.

But clarity is power.
Knowledge is inheritance.
And understanding your place in the universe, literally and figuratively, changes how you move through every system designed to overwhelm you.

Black History Month isn’t just about honoring the past.
It’s about reclaiming scale.

You are not small.
You are not late.
You are not out of place.

You are made of the same ancient materials that built the universe itself.

And nothing with that kind of origin was meant to live quietly.

Turning Movements Into Men

Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X are among the most recognizable figures in American history. We learn their names early. We see their quotes on posters. We revisit their speeches. And while honoring them matters, the way we are taught their stories often misses something critical.

We turn movements into men.  That framing is powerful, but it’s also dangerous.

The Cost of Personifying a Movement

Putting a movement into the body of one person makes it easier to rally people. It gives the struggle a face, a voice, a symbol. However, it can also shrink the movement by highlighting the change as if it was driven by a single extraordinary man instead of millions of ordinary people. It quietly shifts focus away from the millions of Black Americans who were and still are impacted by centuries of delayed rights, stolen opportunities, and systemic resistance.

More importantly, it creates a target.

When a movement is personified by one individual, it becomes easier to disrupt. History shows us that assassination was not an accident or coincidence, it was a tactic. Medgar Evers. Malcolm X. Martin Luther King Jr. Removing a leader didn’t end the movement, but it slowed momentum, fractured trust, and sent a chilling message about the cost of resistance, a message meant to intimidate and discourage.

That part of the story deserves more attention.

Let’s Get Uncomfortable

Malcolm X’s assassination, in particular, is often discussed incompletely.

While he is now widely celebrated, we don’t talk enough about the reality that his death did not come from a vague, faceless enemy. Sometimes the danger doesn’t come from the outside, some “boogey man,” or the government. Sometimes it doesn’t come from white supremacy in its most obvious form.

Sometimes it comes from within.

Ego. Power. Fear of losing relevance. The inability to accept growth or change. When people become more invested in protecting their position than advancing progress, movements can be destroyed from the inside. That truth is uncomfortable, but it’s necessary.

When a movement grows beyond the control of those who once led it, or when someone evolves past the version of themselves others are comfortable with, resistance doesn’t always look like open opposition. Sometimes it looks like sabotage. Sometimes it looks like silence. Sometimes it looks like violence.

Ignoring internal power struggles, unchecked ego, and loyalty enforced through fear doesn’t protect a movement. It weakens it. And in Malcolm X’s case, it cost a life, and altered the course of history.

Why Sanitized History Fails Us

When we teach history as triumph without struggle, we turn real people into myths and rob future generations of the lessons they need to survive.

We rarely discuss:

·  The criticism and resistance MLK and Malcolm X faced from their own communities and people.

·  The pressure to accept incremental progress instead of demanding justice, to “stay quiet,” “be grateful,” or “take what you’re given” and navigating it.

·  The real role the U.S. government played through surveillance, illegal wiretapping, and harassment.

·  The reality that institutions meant to protect rights, actively worked to suppress them.

HISTORY IS NOT JUST A RECORD OF WHAT HAPPENED, IT IS A WARNING!

History is full of people who ended up on the wrong side of it not because they didn’t know better, but because they chose power, fear, or self-interest over justice.

We need to use this as a cautionary tale to stop blindly relying on systems. To stop believing systems cannot fail. To stop believing people cannot fail. To stop believing government officials, institutions, or those in power are incapable of bias simply because of the roles they hold.

They can be biased.

They have been biased.

And history proves it.

The world is full of people we later discover stood on the wrong side of history, not because they lacked information, but because they chose power over principle, comfort over courage, and personal agendas over collective responsibility. Many failed to protect those they were supposed to protect. Many abused the authority they were entrusted with. And many justified their actions by hiding behind systems that allowed them to do so.

The Real Lesson Black History Teaches

If Black history teaches us anything, it’s this: no one is coming to save us.

They never have.

Progress has always come from collective effort. From numbers. From people educating themselves, organizing, questioning authority, protecting one another, and refusing to disappear quietly.

That’s why the saying still holds true: one monkey don’t stop no show.

The movement didn’t die with Malcolm X.
It didn’t end with Martin Luther King Jr.
It didn’t stop with Medgar Evers.

Because the movement was never meant to live in one body.

What We Should Be Teaching Instead

Black history is not just about what we overcame, it’s about how we survived:

• By understanding that systems can fail

• By recognizing that leaders are human

• By refusing blind trust in institutions

• By knowing our power multiplies when it’s shared

This is also why self-study matters.

Because many historical accounts are written from the standpoint of the very institutions that caused the harm. We’re taught the “official version,” not the full account, critical details are omitted, softened, or reframed. You are given his story, not the whole story. You are taught outcomes without context, victories without cost, and leadership without the resistance that tried to crush it.

Self-study is not optional when your history has been filtered, sanitized, or controlled. It is an act of self-preservation. It is how you learn what was left out, who was silenced, and why certain truths were never emphasized in the first place.

If Black history teaches us anything, it is this: systems do not save people, people save people. Progress has never come from blind trust. It has always come from awareness, numbers, and collective action.

No one is coming to save us. They never have.

And maybe the most important lesson of all:

We are still here.
We are still pushing forward.

We are still questioning and demanding, not asking for common decency and God given rights.
We are still marching, sometimes in the streets, sometimes in courtrooms, classrooms, boardrooms, and homes.

And every single day, in some way, we did overcome. 

Science & Bias

What If It’s Not You?

The Lies, Labels, and Lazy Science Behind “Just Eat Less and Move More”  

We’ve all heard them.

• “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”

• “Calories in, calories out.”

• “It’s just a calorie deficit.”

• “Cut sugar.”

• “Work out for at least 30 minutes a day.”

These aren’t just health tips anymore. They’ve become mantras. Rules. Judgments. And for a lot of us?
They’ve also become failures we carry like shame.

Because when your body doesn’t shrink after doing “all the right things,” who do you blame?

If you follow the rules but don’t get the results, you start to believe you are the problem.
Lazy. Lacking willpower. Making excuses.

But what if it’s not that simple?
What if these one-size-fits-all “facts” were never designed to fit you?

The Science They Skip and the Bias They Don’t Admit

Science loves a good average. It studies groups, plots curves, and draws conclusions. But most of us don’t live in the land of averages.

You know what science doesn’t fully explain yet?

• Why one person can drop weight eating fast food, while another gains weight eating clean.

• Why some women snap back after baby #4, and others swell with inflammation after baby #1.

• Why my sister is tall, slender and after two babies, stayed the same size, and my body hasn’t felt like “mine” since giving birth to my one baby.

This isn’t about jealousy.
This is about biology. Hormones. Trauma. Genetics. Microbiomes. Medications. Sleep. Access. Stress. Disability. Environment. Even how much we’ve been believed by doctors and experts in the first place.

And here’s the other layer nobody really wants to talk about:
Most health advice wasn’t made with us brown and black people in mind.
Not with your body. Not with your background. Not with your reality.

A lot of these studies, “norms,” and metrics weren’t built on bodies that look like ours, like the BMI.  BMI is still used by doctors, insurance companies, and researchers.  Still shaping how we’re labeled “healthy” or “at risk,” and yet, the original BMI formula wasn’t even created for women, let alone women or people of color.  And since we’re here, it wasn’t even created for health, it was a statistical tool used to categorize whit European men for consensus data.

Yet, we’re still using it?! Are premiums are still based on it? My doctor’s assumptions are still shaped by it? My worth and wellness are still being evaluated and filtered through it? 

Here’s a Real Example of How this Showed Up as Recent as 2019! My sister is a licensed Doctor of Physical Therapy.  In or about 2019, she asked a basic, but necessary question during  her clinical training.  The professor was demonstrating how to check circulation (or something) by pressing on the nail bed of a hand.  He said, “you need to see how the pink turns white and then refills the nail bed.” My sister, being a person of color, raised her hand and asked, “What does this look like on a black or brown patient?”  He didn’t have an answer.  The silence said everything.

If the tools they use to see us doesn’t even see us, how can we trust the outcomes?

Blanket Statements

When a system fails to account for your body’s unique response, your story becomes collateral damage.
We’re not lazy. We’re layered.

Yet somehow, the blame always finds its way back to the individual.
You didn’t try hard enough.
You ate the wrong apple.
You didn’t cut the right sugar.
You missed a workout.

It’s exhausting. And worse it’s gaslighting.

So if you’ve ever looked at yourself in the mirror and wondered why the same plan that worked for someone else seems to be working against you or someone else’s drastic results are your minimal…

It’s not your discipline. It’s not your effort.
It might be the system. The science. The shortcut advice that wasn’t built for complexity.

You Deserve More Than a Slogan

You deserve health plans that honor your history.
Doctors that investigate, not just prescribe.
Spaces where swelling, stalling, and struggling are met with compassion not criticism.

Because maybe it’s not that we’re fighting ourselves.
Maybe we’ve just been fighting a system that doesn’t want to see us fully.

And that?
That’s not your failure.
That’s the world trying to label your experience as something small when it’s actually something deep, worthy, and deserving of better care.