"Masculine" and "Feminine" Energy

There is a conversation happening right now in every podcast, every reel, every comment section, and every women's brunch table across this country. And it goes something like this: You need to stop operating in your masculine energy. You need to be softer. You need to receive. You need to let him lead.

And I just have one question…Lead where, exactly?

I have been watching women get told to surrender while the dishes sit in the sink, the pediatrician's appointment goes unscheduled, and the permission slip for the school field trip expires on the counter.

I have been watching women get told to be softer while they are also working full-time jobs, managing the household mental load, and somehow still expected to look unbothered doing all of it.

On top of all of that, when she finally just does the thing herself because it has to get done, someone stands up and says, "Well, she always does everything on her own, so I figured she didn't need me."

I want to be fair here. I genuinely do. But I need somebody to explain to me how "she always handles it" became a reason to stop helping, rather than a signal that she is carrying more than she should. Because from where I am standing, what that sentence really means is: I noticed she was struggling, decided she had it covered, and used her competence as my permission slip to opt out.

That is not a partnership. That is a spectator sport.

Where Did "Masculine" and "Feminine" Energy Even Come From?

If you’ve ever read anything else I’ve written, you know that I have to explore the historical context that I feel gets left out.  So let's back up, because I think we owe ourselves a real answer here rather than just recycling whatever we heard on a podcast.

The language of masculine and feminine energy is not a clinical psychology term. You will not find it in the DSM. Carl Jung talked about the anima and animus, meaning the feminine qualities within men and the masculine qualities within women. Ancient Taoism talked about yin and yang, not as gendered traits assigned to specific people, but as complementary forces that need each other to exist.

I feel like somewhere along the way, that got filtered through the modern self-help industry and became: “Women, stop being so strong. Men, she's emasculating you.” And somehow the burden of that translation landed entirely on her.

Let’s Get Scientific

What is also true, that is skipped over entirely, is the actual science. There is actual science raising real questions about whether the hormonal lines we have drawn between men and women are even as fixed as we assumed. Research has documented for years that endocrine-disrupting chemicals, including things like BPA found in plastics, pesticides, and other environmental toxins, are affecting hormone development. Some of this exposure happens before birth. We are talking about in utero.

Studies have shown that testosterone levels in men have been declining across generations. Phthalates, which are in everything from food packaging to personal care products, have been linked to reduced testosterone and disrupted reproductive development in males.

So when we say a man needs to operate in his "masculine energy," it is worth asking whether the systems we live inside of are quietly working against that biology in ways none of us asked for or signed up for.

I am not saying that to excuse anything. I am saying it because we deserve to have the full conversation instead of just blaming women for not being feminine enough while ignoring everything else in the room.

The Real Issue Is Not Energy. It's Equity.

This is not 1952. In most households right now, both people are working. Both people are paying bills. Both people are tired at the end of the day. And yet, study after study shows that women still carry a disproportionate share of what researchers call "unpaid domestic labor" and the "mental load."

That includes not just the doing of tasks, but the knowing of tasks. Knowing when the dentist appointment is. Knowing that the kid needs new shoes because the old ones are too tight. Knowing that the permission slip exists. Knowing that the permission slip expired.

The knowing is labor. And it is mostly invisible, which means it mostly goes uncompensated and unacknowledged. So when someone tells a woman to lean into her feminine energy and stop doing so much, what they are functionally asking her to do is wait. Wait for him to notice. Wait for him to step up. Wait while the appointment does not get made, while the bill does not get paid on time, while the thing that needed to happen just quietly does not happen.

AND she is supposed to wait gracefully.

Women are not choosing to carry everything because they love control. They are doing it because somebody has to, and the alternative is watching things fall apart while they practice being soft.

Forgive me if this reads like a biased rant, I am a woman after all, but if this is not the case, then feel free to enlighten us all on the solution rather than simply waiting.

"She Always Does It Herself" Is Not an Explanation. It's a Confession.

When I hear mean complaining that “she always does things herself” instead of asking for help or working together or whatever the excuse may bring, I think what they reveal is something a lot of people feel.

There is a dynamic that develops in relationships where one person keeps stepping up and the other person keeps stepping back, and over time both of them settle into it like it's just the way things are. She does things. He doesn't. She does more things. He does even less. She gets frustrated. He gets defensive. She does everything. He says she never let him help.

And somehow the story becomes about her, but I genuinely need an answer for this:

At what point did you need an invitation to do a load of laundry? At what point did you need to be asked to schedule an oil change, make a doctor's appointment, or figure out where your own children's school clothes are kept? Since when does participating in your own household require a formal request? AND WHY?!

The thing about not needing an invitation is, you do not need one. If something in your home needs doing and you are physically capable of doing it, you can just do it. The door is open. It has always been open.

The invitation is not the obstacle. The willingness is.

Okay. So What Do We Actually Do?

I told myself I was going to get to a solution, because I am not here just to make noise. I want us to actually move.

And I want to be honest about this part too, because some of what I am about to say is not what women want to hear, even when it is true.

Name the specific thing. Not "I need more help." That is too abstract and it will go nowhere. "I need you to handle the kids' doctor appointments from scheduling to transportation, starting this week." Specific. Assigned. Clear. Yes, it is frustrating that we have to do this. Do it anyway. Because vague requests produce vague responses, and then everyone is frustrated and nothing changed.

Stop rescuing the outcome. This is hard. If you assign something and it does not get done the way you would do it, resist the urge to swoop in and redo it. When you redo it, you send the message that your standard is the standard and his effort does not count. Sometimes things will be done differently. Sometimes they will be done worse. Let it be, unless it is a genuine safety issue.

Have the financial conversation. A lot of domestic imbalance is tied directly to who earns more. If he earns significantly more and you are still carrying the household management, that math needs to be spoken out loud. You are contributing economically in ways that do not show up in a paycheck, and that deserves acknowledgment, negotiation, and sometimes, compensation in the form of household help, shared tasks, or real time off.

Document the mental load together. I know that sounds clinical, but I mean it. Sit down and write out every recurring task in your household, every appointment, every subscription, every maintenance item, every kid-related thing. Put names next to them. Actually divide them. When it is on paper and it has a name on it, "I didn't know" becomes a much harder thing to say.

Consider whether this is a communication problem or a character problem. A man who genuinely does not know how to participate but wants to is different from a man who knows exactly what needs to happen and simply chooses not to. One of those can be coached. The other one is showing you who he is, and you have to decide what to do with that information.

The Honest Truth at the End

Women are not walking around choosing stress. We are not picking the hard version because it makes us feel powerful. We are handling things because we love the people in our lives, because we do not want things to fall apart, and because stepping back often costs more than just doing it.

But it is costing us something too. It is costing us time, health, peace, and often, the version of ourselves we actually wanted to be.

The conversation about masculine and feminine energy is not inherently wrong. There is something real in the idea that most of us, regardless of gender, benefit from being able to rest sometimes. To receive. To not always be the one solving the problem.

But that requires a partner who shows up enough for that rest to actually be possible.

You cannot tell someone to float and then remove the water.

If the men in your life want women who are softer, more receptive, less "in their masculine," the path there is not a lecture about feminine energy. The path there is partnership. Real, equitable, consistent partnership.

Do your part without being asked.

Not because she invited you.

Because you live there too.

Have thoughts on this? Drop them in “Contact Us.” I genuinely want to hear from both sides.