Women vs. Women
Why Do Women Struggle to Give Each Other Grace?
We talk a lot about empowerment.
We post quotes.
We say “support women.”
We celebrate women’s accomplishments.
But there’s a quieter question many of us don’t say out loud:
Why does it sometimes feel easier to forgive men… than to forgive other women?
Why are we sometimes hardest on ourselves and each other?
And why do boundaries between women sometimes feel like betrayal instead of protection?
This isn’t about blaming women. It’s about understanding the pattern. So, here are my theories:
1. History Taught Women to Compete, Not Collaborate
For most of history, women did not control resources, property, income, or legal identity. Access to stability often depended on proximity to male approval.
When opportunities are limited, people compete. For generations, women were placed in systems where:
There was one seat at the table
One promotion
One respected role
One “acceptable” woman
That scarcity mindset didn’t disappear when laws changed. It lingered culturally.
When you grow up in environments shaped by scarcity, it’s easy to see other women as competition instead of allies. Not because we are cruel, but because we were conditioned to survive.
2. Women Were Taught to “Police” Each Other
From a young age, many girls learn that being “good” means:
Being agreeable
Not being too loud
Not being too ambitious
Not being too emotional
Not taking up too much space
And who often enforces those rules?
Other women.
Mothers.
Teachers.
Supervisors.
Church leaders.
Friends.
When love and approval feel conditional, we learn to monitor behavior, ours and others’.
So when another woman asserts herself, sets a boundary, or moves differently, it can feel disruptive. Not because it is wrong, but because it challenges what we were taught in response to experience with men.
3. Anger at Women Can Feel Safer
Here is a hard truth:
It can feel safer to direct anger toward another woman than toward a man.
Anger toward men can carry risks:
Rejection
Conflict
Loss of opportunity
Being labeled “difficult”
Even physical danger
Anger toward women (or “the other women”) often feels socially acceptable, so frustration that originates with systems, institutions, or male behavior sometimes gets redirected sideways.
Instead of confronting the real problem, we confront each other.
4. We Expect More from Women
We hold women to higher emotional standards. We expect women to be:
Nurturing
Self-aware
Emotionally intelligent
Thoughtful
Selfless
So when a woman disappoints us, it feels personal. When a man does the same thing, it feels predictable.
That double standard creates harsher judgment between women, and more forgiveness for men.
5. Boundaries Were Not Modeled as Healthy
Many of us were raised in environments where:
Saying “no” was considered disrespectful
Privacy was considered secrecy
Rest was considered laziness
Self-advocacy was considered selfish
If you were taught that boundaries equal rejection, then another woman’s boundary can feel like abandonment. So instead of respecting the line, we push it. Not because we don’t care (actually some don’t), but because we were never taught how to care without overstepping.
6. Internalized Narratives Still Exist
Society has long labeled women as:
Dramatic
Emotional
Difficult
Catty
When those messages repeat for generations, they shape expectations. Some women internalize those narratives, and unconsciously apply them to other women.
The result?
Back to #4, we become harsh critics of each other in ways that mirror the very systems that restricted us.
So What Do We Do With This?
Awareness is the first interruption. Awareness alone isn’t enough.
Here are tangible shifts we can practice:
1. Normalize Boundaries
If another woman says no, believe her.
If she needs space, honor it.
If she protects her peace, respect it.
2. Pause Before Criticism
Ask:
Is this about her or is this triggering something in me?
3. Redirect Anger Upward
When frustration arises, ask where it truly belongs.
Is this about her… or about a system?
4. Extend the Grace You Want
Speak to women the way you wish someone had spoken to you when you were learning.
5. Teach the Next Generation Differently
Model healthy limits.
Model apology without ego.
Model strength without competition.
Ignore the noise that others bring you and if you need to, pick up a phone and speak directly.
The Truth
Women are not inherently harsh toward one another. We are navigating inherited patterns shaped by history, scarcity, and survival.
But survival is not the same as solidarity. We have the power to choose differently.
To give ourselves grace.
To give other women room to grow.
To respect boundaries without feeling rejected.
To support without competing.
That shift doesn’t just heal relationships.
It rewrites legacy.
