He Didn't Cheat Because of You. He Cheated Because of Him.

The first thing we do when we find out we've been cheated on is turn the mirror on ourselves.

What did I do wrong? What did she have that I didn't? Was I not enough? Was I too much? Did I nag too much, give too little, love too hard, not hard enough?

We do this exhausting, soul-draining autopsy on ourselves while the person who actually made a choice, a deliberate, conscious, in-the-moment choice, walks around relatively unbothered. And we let them, because we're too busy interrogating ourselves to interrogate the situation.

I want to offer you a different framework today. Not an emotional one. A logical one.

Because if you've ever been cheated on, especially more than once, by the same person or different people, I think the most useful thing you can do isn't ask what's wrong with you. It's ask: what type of cheater was that and how do I avoid them?

Bear with me here.

There Is Actually a Science to This

Researchers have spent real time and real money studying why people cheat, and what they found might rearrange some things in your mind.

Studies consistently show that individuals who are low in conscientiousness are more likely to cheat. Conscientiousness. That's the personality trait associated with discipline, follow-through, reliability, doing what you said you were going to do. People who lack conscientiousness tend to be sloppy, careless, poorly organized, and often break rules. They suffer from demonstrably poor impulse control.

Read that again. Poor impulse control. Not poor taste in partners. Not a bad relationship. A character pattern that shows up across multiple areas of their life , at work, with money, with commitments of all kinds , and yes, in relationships too.

A 2005 study by researchers Tricia Orzeck and Esther Lung found a significant difference between cheaters and non-cheaters when it comes to personality. Poor self-control, selfishness, anger, boredom, and attention-seeking were the most common traits tied to infidelity.

Notice anything missing from that list? You. Your weight. Your communication style. Whether or not you were giving enough. None of that is on the list.

If you want more science, New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel wrote a book called “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” to understand why people cheat.

So What Type of Cheater Were They?

Because they're not all the same, and knowing the type actually tells you something important about the person you were dealing with.

The Opportunist is probably the most common and the most misunderstood. The opportunist rarely seeks out a partner outside of their relationship. They cheat when an opportunity presents itself and they feel they can get away with it. They often report being perfectly happy in their relationship , but if they're presented with the right opportunity and are sure it will remain a secret, they'll take it.

This one is brutal because it has nothing to do with you at all. They weren't unhappy. They weren't neglected. They just had the opportunity, the willingness to act on it, and the belief they wouldn't get caught. That's a discipline problem. A character problem. Not a you problem.

The Serial Cheater is a different animal entirely. Serial infidelity is compulsive, with the individual repeatedly seeking out new partners. There is often a lack of emotional attachment or concern for consequences. Serial cheating is often associated with narcissism. The individual views themselves as entitled to cheat, with little regard for how their actions impact others.

Serial cheaters are collectors. They collect partners the way other people collect artworks or coins. And love stories like this are hard to change, despite promises, New Year's resolutions, and even a string of painful failed relationships. If you've been with someone like this, I’m just confirming what you already know. You could have been perfect. It still would have happened.

The Revenge Cheater acts out of anger or perceived injustice. They cheat to hurt you back, to feel power, to send a message. This one at least has an emotional root , but make no mistake, it still says more about their conflict resolution skills than it does about whatever you did or didn't do. Besides, there are plenty of ways to show frustration, send a message, etc. cheating as the chosen option really only says something about that person, not you.

The Emotional Cheater never physically crosses a line but gives someone else everything that was supposed to be yours , their thoughts, their problems, their inside jokes, their 2am conversations. And yes, that counts. The betrayal of emotional intimacy is so real that researchers recognize it as its own category of infidelity.

The Brain Actually Has Something to Say About This

The self-control circuit in the brain balances different parts of your brain. The deep limbic system pushes you to seek pleasure. The prefrontal cortex helps you think twice before risky actions. When that self-control circuit is balanced, it gives you adequate impulse control to stop you from having an affair. But when the prefrontal cortex is low in activity, it creates an imbalance that causes a person to give in to impulsive desires without thinking about the consequences.

Some people are neurologically wired for poor impulse control. Now, that doesn't excuse the behavior. But it does explain why some people cheat almost reflexively, with no deep reason and no real remorse. Their brakes don't work the way yours do.

And then there are those with what researchers call the Dark Triad , narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Women with pronounced dark personality traits, including narcissism and psychopathy, are more likely to be unfaithful. These are not people who simply made a mistake under pressure. These are people for whom the rules genuinely feel optional.

Why Does This Even Matter?

Because when you understand the type of person you were dealing with, you can use it to stop trying to reverse-engineer what you should have done differently.

You can't out-love a serial cheater into fidelity. You can't be interesting enough for an opportunist to pass up every opportunity. You can't be worth more than someone's compulsion. And you absolutely cannot fix a character deficit by being a better partner.

Some people fear long-term committed relationships and the responsibilities they entail. The prospect of settling down with one person for life can trigger anxiety and restlessness, making fidelity nearly impossible for them.

The scary part that we all hate is that they will find you, love you genuinely in their way, and still not be capable of what you're asking.

That is not your failure to fix.

One More Thing

If you've been the cheater , and some of you have, no judgment here , I'd ask you to sit with this too. Which type were you? Was it situational? Were you running from something? Or is there a pattern you keep repeating that has nothing to do with the people you've been with and everything to do with something unresolved inside of you?

Many chronic cheaters, in studies, said they transgressed due to anger, lack of love, low commitment, low self-esteem, and situational factors. Sex was cited, but it wasn't the overarching reason. This is why so many of you who have been cheated on seem so confused by who they cheated with, what that person can or cannot provide versus what you can provide.  When it looks silly like that and you say things like “there’s no comparison, I don’t understand why he/she would cheat with him/her,” please know that your confusion is valid because you’re trying to make sense of a person who may not have been making decisions based on logic, value, compatibility, or even replacement. Sometimes the choice had more to do with escape than connection, validation than intimacy, avoidance than honesty, or novelty than commitment.

So if the issue wasn't really about sex, what was it actually about?

That's a question worth sitting in. Because sometimes cheating is less about finding someone better and more about revealing something unresolved. It may expose emotional immaturity, resentment left unspoken, a need for external validation, fear of vulnerability, poor boundaries, impulsivity, entitlement, or simply someone who wanted the benefits of commitment without the responsibility of it.

That does not make the betrayal hurt less.

But it may change the question.

The goal here isn't to villainize anyone. People are complicated. But pain makes us simple in the worst way, it makes us turn inward and make everything our fault, especially when it wasn't.

You deserved someone with enough discipline to choose you, consistently, even when something else was available. That's not a high bar. That's the floor.

And if someone couldn't meet it, the question was never what was wrong with you.

It was always what was going on with them, and that question creates clarity. 

I know that clarity does not always remove pain, but it can stop you from carrying responsibility for choices that were never yours to own.

Have you ever thought about what type of cheater you were dealing with? Bring your thoughts to the Live discussion at 7:30CST on Mondays.